Sex Advice: How sex changed for me being in a relationship
Sex for me
Never having received any real sex advice when young, sex for me in the past has always been a means to an end. To cut a long story short I would always end up chasing the orgasm. For a lot of men the orgasm is the gratification part of having sex. The reward. The ultra bonus at the end for putting in a shift.
I was introduced to sex well before my time. I have distant memories of being a little toddler and fiddling about with an older girls lady parts. I think she was around ten years old or so, but this said a lot about what was happening in her life I guess. To be ten years old and be sexually aware to that extent. Anyway, I don’t know the ins and outs of that situation so I’ll leave it there. So, I was aware of sex super-duper early, which led to me experimenting sexually younger than I probably should have. I was caught looking at dirty magazines in the local shop at nine years old and I was able to have an orgasm at ten years old. Whether that’s early for a boy? I’m not too sure. I haven’t asked anyone else. Maybe it’s time I should?
No man in my life
Thing was, for me I had no man to teach me at that important time in my life the amazing changes that were going on in my body. My first Orgasm blew my mind; I just had to have more! I expect for a young boy sexual cravings when they are ‘of age’ is pretty natural. But I really had no-one to bounce questions of, no-one to seek guidance from, and no-one to set boundaries for me. Although my Mum wasn’t a prude and she was always there for questions I really don’t think she was there for any advice for me. She’d answer questions, but she had never sat me down and have discussions about healthy sex or anything like that. As a young boy growing into a man I needed that. I’ll talk about my path to sexual enlightment another day.
Anyway, life for me in my late teens due to the lack of support as a young boy and a very unhealthy attitude towards sex led me on to the path of chasing the orgasm for many years. For a lot of men that grew up in my era I’m pretty sure sex was much the same for them. The end result would be to chase the orgasm. Pump it like it’s hot until I explode all over the place.
My lovely wife
But that all changed when I met my wife. I learned of true intimacy and a feeling of being loved just the way I was. It moved to a deeper understanding of each other and the sexual people we were. Although sex was great at the start, it became fantastic and amazing afterwards. Emotional intimacy is so much better than the physical intimacy. When I had achieved emotional intimacy a few nasty behaviours that I had started to drop off:
- The constant need to impress other women
I’m not too sure about you, but all through my past relationships I’ve still worried what other women have thought about me. If they find me attractive, if I look an ‘ok’ guy to talk to, if I still have the prowess that I used to? None of that matters now. None. Reaching a level of intimacy with your partner where both of you are too far gone to bother about what other people think is a feeling of uber-empowerment. That both of you have each others back and nothing can stand in your way. I would let Natalie go out and be in a crowd of ripped, attractive men and it wouldn’t phase me. I know who she’ll come back to at the end of the night and who’s bed she’ll be in. When your partner wraps her legs around you and milks you like a cow emotionally and physically at your request, there just isn’t any other need. Period.
- The constant fear of being ‘crap in bed‘
I’m not too sure what it’s like for women with this idea, but for me it played a big part in my youth. My sexually active friends boasting about their escapades and how amazing they were set the barrier very high for me as a kid. Sadly I had no-one to tell me that nearly everyones first time is a bit of a fumble. Sort of the same for me when I braved it. Two pumps and a squirt, haha. But as a relationship evolves you both begin to understand what works for each other, what doesn’t, and the limits to your experimenting. Once you’re sexually commited then you are free to just lose yourself, enjoy sex for what it is, stop a while, enjoy it for the moment, be in the now with your partner. If you do something she doesn’t like then I’m sure she’ll tell you!
- The constant pressure to ‘please your partner’
This sort of walks hand in hand with the latter. When in a sexual relationship you can explore the very depths of each others souls. Think of it less as chasing the orgasm and more of a voyage into the unknown; exploring every bump, nook and curve on the way. Sex should always be exciting. There’s almost always a different avenue to explore and a different feeling to embrace. Own that, it’s perfectly natural.
- Be able to focus on better sex
I’ll admit that the partner I have now is my first ever proper long term relationship. The relationships I’ve been in before were sporadic or long distance. The sex was never too great and mainly because I was always focused on pumping out an orgasm! A race to the finish line. But over the last eleven years I’ve realised that it’s great just to savour the moment. Forget completely about the end result and focus on what was happening right there at that time. Each time it happens opening a different avenue to explore. It’s an amazing thing.
- Give up Porn
Porn is bad, mmmkay. I don’t judge anyone for watching porn because that’s none of my business. But for me, watching it continually, entrenched a few unhealthy behaviours in my mind. Chasing the end result, focusing on body parts, and becoming desensitised to the whole act of sex. None of which were any good for me at the time. I did an interview on it a few months ago here.
I’ve learned a lot about sex on my journey to enlightenment, and perhaps I still have a long way to go, but it’s definitely an amazing ride. I’ve loved, lost and learned from my mistakes. Life for me is a beautiful learning experience and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.
I hope you will too.