When a ‘sexually empowered woman’ is really just a scared little girl wanting to be loved
I’ve lived a fairly wild sex life most of my life. Hundreds of one night stands and casual sex partners (I’m not exagerrating), swinger’s parties, escorting, yes, I’m talking thousands of sexual experiences I’ve had.
About 6 years ago I thought I was a sexually empowered woman and some sort of sex expert! About then I was sending a photo to a guy who I had just met. I actually took about 100 sexy poses and naked photos and I sent him the best ones hoping he would then like me and desire me.
And yes, I thought I knew all there was to know about sex.
And then one day my sex drive became almost non-existent! I realised that I had been using sex to avoid intimacy for years (yes, they can be two very different things). I was using sex to avoid being seen.
As long as I provided sex and was good at it then I would be good enough and they wouldn’t see the real woman underneath the sexually empowered mask I was wearing. I realised I had been using sex to feel powerful and in control so that I would be safe, be safe from getting hurt.
Underneath the sexy looking woman I was, is a woman who felt unlovable, unworthy and was deeply afraid to be rejected and abandoned. I had been using sex to get love, which only ever ended up in feeling rejected and unwanted and hence I would move on to the next person.
You can now see why I’ve had thousands of sexual experiences!
I was just looking for my next ‘hit’ of sexual validation! Although I always told myself that ‘it was just a bit of fun’
My version back then of a ‘sexually empowered woman’ was just a ‘scared little girl’ desperately seeking to feel loved and wanted. Truth be told, I was actually super disconnected from who I really am as a sexual being. So when I started to study tantra and sexual healing practices, I realised I knew absolutely NOTHING about sex.
I WAS NO SEXPERT.
Not even close.
I had only being having clitoral orgasms and you are telling me there are 76 different types of orgasms I can have?!
I WAS NOT SEXUALLY EMPOWERED. Not even close. So far from it.
Just because you are highly sexual does not mean you are sexually empowered.
I believe true sexual empowerment comes from consciously exploring sex. Tantra has been a big part of this for me and still I have so much more to learn! Yes, I encourage women to be sexual, dress up in outfits that make you feel sexy and go explore your sexual desires BUT bring consciousness into it.
Question yourself and ask where is this truly coming from?
- What needs am I trying to get met?
- What I am truly afraid of?
- Am I using sex to avoid intimacy?
- Am I using it to numb my emotions?
- Am I using it to feel loved?
- Am I using it to feel wanted?
- Am I using it to try and get over someone?
- Am I using it to get my next fix of happy chemicals?
- Am I using it to control and feel powerful?
- Am I using it to feel worthy?
- Am I using it to feel wanted and liked?
When you have sex for these reasons you are actually giving your power away, so how can you be empowered in this?!
And I also want you to know that if you don’t get it right every time, if you have sex to numb, avoid, fix, control, validate, get attention; please don’t shame yourself for it, you are only human after all and we all have needs. Just being aware of it is a great start.
However, as a truly connected sexual being you are powerful beyond measure. The real empowerment comes in the willingness to be vulnerable. It comes in the willingness to be seen. To let the scared little girl share her fears and desires, even if she is afraid that she might get rejected. To admit that she doesn’t know it all and that actually she is afraid that she might not be good enough for you.
The empowerment also comes in the willingness to say ‘No‘ when your body is not ready to go there yet, even if it might disappoint someone. Even if you may not be liked for being true to your boundaries.
However, you have to be in your body to tune into what a No is for you. Most people are not even in their bodies.
This is where self-intimacy comes in.
- You must explore intimacy with you first to truly have intimacy with another.
- You can only connect deeply with another when you connect with yourself.
- You have get into your body.
- You have to feel safe in your body
- You can only fully surrender to pleasure if you feel safe in your body.
- And how can you possibly feel safe when you are hiding?
SCARED LITTLE GIRL; I SEE YOU.
I see behind the facade of sexual empowerment. I see your shyness. I see your fear. I see your radiance. I see the beauty in your vulnerability. I see your longing to surrender. I see your yearning to feel a much deeper connection.
I want you to know that you are not alone in this. I want you to know that it is safe for you to be vulnerable. It is safe for you to be seen. It is okay for you to say No.
You do not have to please someone to be wanted. You do not have to be sexual to be liked. You do not have to give sex to get love.
Because you are already Love.
I SEE THE LOVE IN YOU 💗
P.S. I’m considering opening up my Soulgasmic Woman’s Tantric Sexual Healing Program again. If you are willing to be vulnerable and explore self-intimacy, tantra, sexual healing and truly empowering yourself when it comes to sexual pleasure, please comment below ’empowerment’ and I’ll PM you or you can PM me for info.
Go to the pinned post in the group for some tantric and sexual healing practices to get you started xx
You can find EJ Love on her website here. She originally wrote this post on Facebook and with her permission she allowed me to share it.