IntimacyRelationships

All You Need to know about Men and Monogamy

All you need to know about men and monogamy.

All I wanted for myself as I was growing up was a family. A wife and child(ren) that loved me, and I loved them back. I have that now, but it’s not been without it hiccups and learning curves. To say that our relationship has been plain sailing would be a lie. We’ve had arguments, and we’ve had disagreements. There’s been one or two times that have threatened to break us up. But it’s thankfully due to our commitment to each other that’s kept us together for nearly 12 years, and we’ll probably still be together until one of us kicks the bucket.

That being said I’m now going to break it down for you in all the wondrous way’s I’ve learned through reflection why I stay dutiful and faithful to my wife.

In a relationship it’s never always just about you

Sometimes it’s hard to see past our own needs and wants. I know, because there has at times been some painfully tedious head locking moments when we’ve both been unmoved on certain issues in our relationship. She’s wanted one thing, and I’ve wanted another, and when no-one gives way it can cause quite a bit of friction. I’ve written before that to get a man to listen to you, then you need to learn to listen to him too. One thing I’ve learned that is that a relationship is serious give and take. One person needs to give way on certain things for both of you to learn and grow.

At the beginning of our Marriage Natalie has always been a frugal spender, and me? Well I’d barely have it in my hands before it was whittled away on something nonsensical. It was always a problem between the two of us until it all came to a head one fateful day when I decided to go out and buy a Computer without telling her. I think I spent something like £500. At the time we were both earning and it wasn’t a serious dent in our finances, but the fact that I purchased it without telling her sent her into a fiery rage. In her mind we should always discuss big purchases, and granted, she’s always lived by her word on that one. Never buying anything of value before she discussed it with me first. So after about two or so days of arguing I finally gave way and decided to talk through big purchases with her before I make them. The result of which is that I’ve become more careful with my money. I can now save! And well.

We give way, and we grow from our experiences.

That’s not to say that it’s always been me that has given way. It’s been her that’s had to make room for me on an equal number of occasions. Like I say. It’s never always just about you. Sometimes you have to give into what your partner wants.

All You Need to know about Men and Monogamy

Freedom is important

I’ve never actually been in a relationship before I met Natalie where I felt (bar the rules we drew up at the beginning) that I was significantly free to think what I want and do as I please — this is true in our relationship and something that I think is quite a goldmine. Have you ever heard someone say I am free to do as I please, yet I choose to be with my partner every time?

A healthy relationship should be about choosing to be with your partner. You should feel that you could adequately navigate life on your own outside of the relationship that you both have, but make the personal choice not to. You should want to be with your partner; not because of some obscure event, or that you feel guilty for him, or even that you couldn’t survive without him. Being in a loving relationship is about freely choosing to be with your partner each and every single day. Some people get trapped in this negative cycle and it’s very unhealthy.

Discussion is always free at our table. We all have our differences, but also come together on similar things too. I don’t feel that she needs to think the same as me, nor do I feel she needs the same Political and spiritual beliefs, because we don’t, but it makes for a good discussion at the dinner table. We disagree wildly on some issues, but at the same time agree on many other things. I’m not threatened by her beliefs, I’m more inclined to learn from them, rather than judge her for them.

Diversity is huge in relationships, but so is familiarity. A good balance between the two helps.

My needs ARE important

If you want a man to commit to you for any length of time then you’re going to have to take him seriously.

I remember after about three months into my relationship with Natalie I was telling my work colleagues that being with her was the first time I had ever felt as if I was being taken seriously as a human being. Not minimized, not laughed at, and not disregarded — every thing I said was thought about and acted upon. It was a feeling I wasn’t very familiar with, saying something then having it wrapped up in a nice bag of awesomeness. It felt good.

Beforehand it always felt as if I was being pat on the head like a good little boy and then set on my way, without really listening to me.

“Aww, there goes Raymond. Isn’t he cute? He talks shit. But he’s cute”

And I didn’t get that with Natalie, there was always that initial respect I got from her before I even learned to respect myself. The feeling was new, and welcomed, and I loved it. Through her I learned that my needs were important, as were hers.

Have sex when you “feel” like it. Not when you think you should have it

Sex is still a bit of a taboo subject in a lot of households because of the way it was seen only a few generations ago. Now the world has got up in a big hurry and humans are playing catch up. Some more than others.

Sex should be something that you both enjoy to have. I wrote a few weeks ago on how to heal a marriage with no sex if you’re interested in reading that. I’ve heard of women using sex as a bartering tool, that sex is the husband’s reward for doing something that the wife wants, or, on the other side of the spectrum the husband is giving his sex out too freely, and with other women. Okay, let’s talk about this.

If you want your man to stay faithful and monogamous then you’re going to have to have a good sex life with him, but that doesn’t mean that you need to “put up” with his advances one or two nights a week — it should be something you’re both excited to do. It should be something you both learn from each other until it becomes a joining of two people lost in their own trances when having sex. Sex is personal, and it’s very intimate between the both of you.

Contrary to popular belief, women DO enjoy sex just as much as men do, if not more. It’s time to explore that notion if you haven’t explored it before.

All my needs are covered

So you see? Maintaining a healthy and monogamous relationship is about covering all the bases with your partner. Make them “feel” that the grass is never greener on the other side. Make them truly know which side of their bread is buttered.

Do that and you’ll live happily.

That being said, sometimes you can have all the bases covered on your end but you may end yourself up in a difficult situation with someone that doesn’t want to compromise, doesn’t care what you think, and uses intimacy to toy with your feelings, and make you do and feel certain things you don’t want to. If that’s the case then I’d suggest getting some help with a trained professional. Maybe a relationships counsellor or something similar!

All you need to know about men and monogamy
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Raymond

Raymond is a Mental Health activist and cryptocurrency enthusiast. He fuels his activism by taking to the web and trying to create core change in the way people interact. As an ex-Community​ Manager, Raymond has a unique approach to communication and relationships and believes the way forward in life is improving the interactions between one another. Raymond started his blogging activities as a way to heal from a chequered past, and through this, his blog has become something far more empowering than he ever imagined. And thus, The Relationship Blogger Magazine was born.

4 Comments

  1. It’s interesting to hear the male point of view about monogomy. Im not sure what age group you are in but I’m pretty confident you are of a younger generation to me. What I have found as we have got older is that sex and our attitudes to sex change inside a marriage as the years go by.

    The happiness key for us has been having loads more to our relationship than just sex – and from what you say, you and Natalie have that richer, broader bond in your marriage too. I know all the women’s magazines bang on about sex getting better after 60 and maybe that is true for some people but I talk to a lot of women over 50 and that is not what many of them are saying – at least not for quantity.

    Most of my friends agree that the amount of sex they have diminishes but the quality of it skyrockets – and that has been my experience too. So what you are saying about having sex when you feel like it and not when you think you ‘should’ rings true for me. My husband and I always say how lucky we are that we changed together and are in sync in that respect – it would be SO awful to be with a partner whose needs were massively different. I think that when you genuinely love each other’s company, it doesn’t matter what you are doing as long as you are together. Great post Raymond – thanks.

    1. I can’t add any more to that comment – what you say is completely true for us too. I think I’m in the younger generation to you, but attitudes to sex were still very Victorian in my youth. It wasn’t until in our late teens that it slowly changed.

      I still wanted sex though, and lots of it haha.

      But as for the quality of our sex, it’s amazing. But the amount of times we have it has dramatically reduced. That’s not a bad thing though, only different.

  2. I’m new here. I happened upon this site. Wasn’t looking for it. I became interested after the first article. I at first thought that it was a safe site for women, but boy as I read on, I soon saw the ugliness. I became disappointed I have noticed something already.I think I got the wrong impression of you Raymond at first, because thought you were pro-woman. But whoa, I soon found the opposite to be true. I saw this, after reading the article, “All You Need To Know About Men And Monogamy.”
    Let me explain my point of view. For years I’ve been reading relationship books, articles, and listening to popular speakers. I think men tend to use articles, books, and videos, to belittle and disparage women and women are so beat down, that they allow it. These media sources, give men a platform to criticize, scold, and threaten women, about every issue, including sex. I see all the scolding as men’s way of controlling women and girls, and I get angry because female are so easily beat down this way. Raymond, do not try to change your woman. That’s not fair. She is not a man.

    So Raymond, I went back to make comments about your comments. You said:
    1) You wrote, ” Sex should be something that you both enjoy to have.” Not true, as many women can take it or leave it, and so they do not have to enjoy it. Many women do not enjoy sex. You know women are not wired like men and sex is placed in a different ranking for women. It is not a top priority. For men, sex tends to come right there up front, above everything.. Most often, many men constantly, crave sex. Most often, many women crave their sleep. The ranking of sex, for women is so different. Don’t try to remake them.
    2) You wrote, “Make them feel the grass is never greener on the other side.” Nobody’s got time to compete with every possible “affair” a man may have. No woman needs to have to worry about that all the time. Maybe she needs to just leave him and let him go and roam. No woman should ever have to compete with the possibility of her looking for greener grass. He just needs to go.
    Maybe the partner who is that antsy, or restless, or might just need to go to the doctor to get his or her harmones adjusted. Sounds like a man who feels like you Raymond described, might have an illness, a sex illness, or a mental issue that needs to be checked out.
    3) You wrote, “If you are going to want your man to stay faithful and monogamous, you are going to have to have a good sex life for him. ” That’s ugly Raymond and so disrespectful . Don’t threaten women. It’s a new day Raymond. You and other men, can’t walk over a woman as easily as men used to. Women don’t need men really. Women don’t need to be married anymore. In fact women are better off being single. Being married to a man is dangerous and stressful and hazardous to a woman’s health.. Women have their own jobs that pay as much as men make. Women support the family and put a roof over the family’s head too. She doesn’t need his money. So threats you make to,women are futile.

    Why don’t you try writing an article about men committing atrocities. Look at all the raping, molesting of daughters, sexual harassment of co workers, mass shootings, etc. Men are out of control everywhere. Men are scary creatures, yet you come here, scolding and threatening women for some bull crap about not having a lot of sex, so their man won’t look for greener grass. Good riddance, all of you can leave.

    1. I’m sorry that you feel this way, Beryl. I really do. I’m both pro women and men. I don’t just look at one side of the story. I look at both — which every relationship should encompass, and which isn’t done anymore. It only seems to cater to either one side, or the other.

      “Scolding” me though, and telling me, “what male writers should be talking about” when you aren’t a man yourself, isn’t going to advance the discussion any further.

      Okay, so to answer your statements:

      1. My wife is free to do as she pleases. I don’t understand why you took what I said as me forcing my sexual appetite on her. Only that I was fostering a situation where we both wanted to have sex. No means no. Most basic men know this. Contrary to popular belief men are socialised from the very beginning of our lives that rape is bad. We know that if you’re a rapist you generally go to die in prison. You are the lowest of the low, and you get your head caved in at the very first opportunity. I don’t understand why people don’t know this about male circles.

      2. I’m sorry the men you’ve dated in your life have ended up badly, but most men I know (bar 1 probably) have been as loyal as puppies to their partners. Why this is not true for you I’m not sure. Perhaps a bit of self-reflection is needed? I know it happens, and more often than I’d like to admit, but tarring the many over the few is counterproductive. There are around 3 billion men in this world – you’ve met perhaps 100 at a stretch. This is not ALL men. The idea that women don’t need to reflect on how they keep ending up with bad partnerships is insane as it is unhealthy. Two people make a relationship, not just one.

      3. So it doesn’t matter what the man thinks at all? Fuck him and the boat he road in on. As long as you are happy, and not having sex, all is OK? The man should just put up and shut up with his no sex life? I mean Jesus. The whole part of monogamy is all about the both of you. Look, I’m not saying you should roll over and play dead whenever he wants you to — but like I said in 1), healthy sexual relationships should be fostered. I ask many women, Why did you marry a man that’s constantly horny and you are not — when the sex dwindled did you just expect him to be OK with it?

      I mean I get it – part of the no sex is his fault too because he doesn’t make you feel like the woman he did at the beginning. Desires wanes, familiarity overtakes, and we get set into our own ways. But if you want to have monogamy that is key. Sex is a basic need for men – it’s how he connects and shows his love. If you don’t understand this, and are unwilling to show any empathy for it — then you’re going to have a bad time. Sorry.

      I’d love to hear what your thoughts on monogamy are 🙂

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