How to better connect with her
I see a lot of how to’s on the web that are basically listicles but never actually explore connecting with your partner on a deeper level. Never quite scratch that itch of the female mind that will have her coming back for more and more and more.
As I say time and time and time again women are emotional beings, if you aren’t going to share the deep emotional stuff with her then you may as well give up and live a life of solitude because whoever you’re with isn’t going to feel entirely connected with you. She needs to know your hopes, your dreams, your aspirations and your flaws! We all have flaws, even me, perfect, do no wrong Raymond once tore the hubcaps of a girls car because she wasn’t available for sex (I was young and stupid!), and needless to say I was visited by the police the following day.
When moving into a long term relationship you need to understand that you’ll have to allow periods of time in your life when it’s perfectly okay to be vulnerable; a death in the family, a marriage, a pregnancy, the losing of a friend and many other things that leave you completely open to the elements. You’re going to need to be able to be comfortable with her in this situation. I had a flatmate once that would pretend his life was the pinnacle of perfection, that everything he did or took his hands to was flawless, and yet when things went wrong, and through the lack of control he’d take his fists out and start smashing things up, and his partner. It was a horrible sight. The biggest red flag with him was that he never talked about his flaws, his failures and nothing was his fault.
From my experience communication is the key to building a long and lasting intimate relationship with your partner. And it stems through all parts of it too. In sex, when you are doing something that she doesn’t like, it’s better that she told you this, yes? I remember my first sexual encounter with Natalie (and she’ll probably kill me for writing this) but I was so inexperienced and new to the whole sex thing I was shaking like a little leaf. But through deep bi-directional communication we managed to work up quite a bedroom experience between the both of us. And through that I realised a key point of what people get wrong, it’s not about how experienced you are in the bedroom, it’s about how willing you are to listen to your partner and work with what she likes and dislikes. Communication is key!
And us guys, we are so not built for listening, we have a little on/off switch on our heads that turns our listening centres on and off, and usually, they are on the off position unless it’s sport related. Take a course in active listening, the difference between listening and active listening is that you learn to read what you partner is saying to you, just not on the surface. And from there you can interpret her needs better. Watch her frown change when you finally understand what she’s saying to you! Alas, it’s not always easy because sometimes things can be boiling for quite some time. But instead of shrugging it off, do something about it! Show her that you care, at least this is what my wife tells me when she’s angry. I’m lucky in a sense that she has a natural capacity to understand the failings of men, and she communicates to me the things I need to hear to make a difference, and from there I can build upon them.
It’s funny how different men and women are, but we all want the same thing. When I’m hurt or angry, I want a solution to my problem so that I can fix it and make it better again, this is why you’ll see many, many men in trades that require logic, that require a high degree of fixing skills! And yet when a woman is angry at something you have to think of her as a pussy cat, that you sit on your lap and stroke gently, and tell her things such as,
“really? That’s awful, what a dick he is?”
“I know how bad you really wanted that promotion, so sad”
“It’s so hard, I know”
What I’ve learned, at least through my experience, is that they just want to be listened to, some of them just want their thoughts reflected back onto them, and it’s never about fixing things. They want to be able to do that on their own, they just want to know that you are on the same plain. If you look at a classic breakup scenario to give you a better understanding, a man will go out with his friends and get smashed, hoping to fix his situation, whereas a woman will sit in on her own and listen to sad music and watch sad TV, hoping to wallow in her situation. If you can define that and get your head around it then you have essentially solved how men and women work emotionally.
And from there it’s about identifying what your partner lacks in their life and plug that damn hole up. My wife is physically disabled, and I’m lucky in the aspect that as a kid I was one of the fittest, sportiest kids around. I make up in physical attributes what I lack in mental, and for my wife it was the other way around, she is the strongest person I’ve ever met mentally, and through that she is constantly helping me to supercharge mine, and through those distinct parts that bring you together you can continually build upon them. Start as you mean to go on. Natalie is always coming through to my study with ideas from a new books she’s read, fuelling my mind with more yummy knowledge, and I’m always looking how to better her physical independence. We’re a curious bunch our family, but I’ve learned so much from it.
I hope you can too!
How to better connect with her