Men are from Mars, you definitely have that right. It’s my belief that men and women generally want the same things in life; love, sex, security, respect and honesty. It’s all anyone wants, it’s the needs and wants at the top of the need-pyramid. To feel safe, financially secure, to love, be loved and have respect from others. I think if you have all of that then life is plain sailing, and then you can focus your needs and wants onto other things. But it’s how we go about getting it that separates us. How we want those needs, and how we feed from those things.
I’ve always wanted to write a comprehensive guide to men, because I feel that a lot of us are misunderstood. The notion that men are from mars is perhaps a good one in the society that we live in today, but it needn’t be, we’re human beings like the rest of us. We have needs, wants, and feelings too! We’re just not very vocal about them, and the less vocal we are, especially at present time, the more it may seem that we don’t care about anything, but we do, and a lot. In this article I’m going to dispel a lot of myths and then move onto talking about some concepts of the not-widely talked about. Here goes.
Firstly, I hate the term feed them and fuck them
One of the most dis-empowering statements I’ve heard about men is that we’re simple to keep in a relationship, that all you need to do to keep us happy is to keep us well fed and have sex with us regularly. Whilst I’ll admit that I’m super cranky when my belly is empty, and if I haven’t had a release in a while then I become emotionally unstable, and even worse, these two combined would be a horrendous feeling, there is so much more to us. We are far more than these two things. Believe it or not when it comes to relationships men like to feel loved, secured, well kept, and trusted in their relationships too — you can’t upkeep this by just doing these two things! You probably knew it anyway, most women do, most men do too, but the amount of times I’ve heard this saying slung around in woman circles is unbelievable.
Men are from mars: Treat them mean to keep them keen
Another one I hate. Truth be told I only thought men said this exclusively to other men, but apparently it’s rife in women circles too, or so I’m told, and have witnessed. This one may work when you’re a kid, a teenager, and still getting to grips with your emotions. It’s like when the boy pulls the girl’s hair in the playground because he likes her and can’t properly express his emotions in an adult way yet. This doesn’t work in the adult world I’m afraid. Treat a man mean then he’ll eventually escape and find someone that cherishes him for the amazing person that he is. Be warned!
All men are dicks / wankers / etc
You may think all men are from mars but I’ve seen a lot of this recently and the more that I read and watch videos and listen to stories about it the more I tend to disagree with it. I watched a video the other week by a peer in his field (I forget his name) but he was telling us that men are more like a Bell Curve. If you are unsure what a Bell Curve is then it’s a statistic worked out through taking the answers from a total set of a group. If you did that then you would find a Bell Curve — the average range would be where most men sit, and we’d allow about 5-10% for the higher and lower extremes. He went on to say that women who say this get their opinions of men from the upper extremities because those men are the people that are confident enough to walk up to and talk to them; the others in the ‘average’ range are hanging back, worrying whether to approach you or not without thinking they will come off as a psycho. Believe it or not, approaching women is a frightening thing to most guys. The guys in the upper extremes just don’t give a shit, and these are the guys that you’ll meet all the time when you least expect it. It may seem like all men at the time, but trust me, it’s a small percentage. That guy, he was teaching a group of women how to be more ‘approachable’ — which I think is great. As men need to get in touch with their emotions, women need to get in touch with some stuff too! Here it is:
Men are emotionally void
You’ll actually find that most men feel hard. You may also find that some men feel harder than others. It’s just that well, they’ve had a shit time with emotions growing up. You can test that with however a man reacts to you probing a bit deeper. Some men will avoid, get angry, change the subject, or straight up walk away when you try to touch on their emotional side, and I think there is a direct link between that and how their emotions were dealt with when they were younger. My Mum just didn’t deal with my emotions when anything happened, so as I grew older I just didn’t deal with anything emotional — I hid away from it. Some little boys get shouted at, told to shut up and stop being babies. I see this on the way back from School; you’ll see these men using anger and aggression in later years whenever someone tries to touch their emotional side, just like it was done as a child.
Men are immature
Men are only as mature as the relationship they are currently in. When I met my wife I was still a child emotionally, I hadn’t had any guidance, or steering in my youth so I dealt with all my problems like a frightened little child, and was prone to acting out like one too. Fortunately I was willing to grow with my wife, and she helped me grow thirty years in ten, and now, I sit here, wise beyond my years. It feeds back into the emotions part of men, which I think plays a huge part of a great injustice to the male psyche. We aren’t properly built to deal with our emotions properly, and can stay in our child zone for far too long. However a man deals with his problems now is how he dealt with them as a child, unless he’s gone under a great deal of emotional growth in his life.
Men are warmongers, fighters, world killers
I was repeatedly told this in school; that men create all wars, and men are the cause of everything violent in this world, but I tend to disagree. There are a significant amount of men in this world who I bet haven’t lifted their hands to a fight, ever. I knew a good few in High School at least, and I know a good few in my life now. I’m a lover, not a fighter myself, as are most of my male friends. I don’t meet too many men in my life that want to create death and destruction, it’s just unfortunate that the crazy crap between world leaders are mostly men. #NotInMyName, though, and many, many, many other men.
Men only want sex
You’ll be surprised to know that it’s a common thing for men to not be able to perform at certain times. Factors such as stress, worry, anxiety, panic, tiredness, or work could be inhibiting them from relaxing and just going with the flow. Also, just because a man refuses sexual advances from a woman when single men usually don’t as a rule — it doesn’t mean he’s gay. It means they are perhaps not his type, or he’s not interested in them, or he has higher standards for himself than a one night stand. I’ve heard a lot of men say “I just didn’t want her to feel like I was taking advantage of her” or “the mood wasn’t right” or so many other things. Yep, most of us actually have standards believe it or not, and a lot of us won’t take a free meal. We want lots of sex, yes, but with the right person!
Okay? So how do I meet these guys that you keep harping on about?
The key is in the statement. They don’t exist because you’ve always gone to the same places and done the same things for your entire life. If you want to meet someone different then you need to go, do, or say something differently that you have never done before. If you keep meeting the same type of men at the Sauna then why are you still going to the sauna? Come now! It’s not that hard when you think about it properly, right? I once lived in a small village where pickings were slim and the gene pool wasn’t vastly diverse, yet I would go out, every Friday night, looking for that special someone. Why was I this crazy, right? Which leads me onto the next one:
You’re not going to meet that special man in a pub/bar/nightclub
If you do then you’re lucky. I’ll admit it though, most of the time I was out on a Friday night I would have one too many drinks and my relationship antenna would be swapped for a “you need sex now” antenna. Most guys when they’re out want some good, one-night-stand hanky panky and that’s it. I think this is the case for most people. Everyone I know in good solid relationships has met their significant other elsewhere. And yes, men are everywhere, all you need do is open your eyes. Men that value growth with their partners aren’t going to be found out drinking when they could be experiencing something new and amazing.
You could always practise being more open?
I’m not too sure what it’s like in other countries but women in the UK have always felt really closed off. I’ve found it easier to approach women in other countries than in the UK; not that I’ve done much approaching at all! I mean, I understand that being more open to conversation can be frightening because then you’ll have more cock heads than usual come up to you and give you your daily nonsense fill, but if you effectively manage to filter people then you run a good chance of a better person approaching you. This is only a minuscule part of the equation, but it helps. It’s tough for a man to approach a woman he likes. Believe me, it’s something widely talked about by us lads.
Not many men know this, but I do, let’s talk
A lot of men will say that he was the one that made the first move, that he was the one that approached you at the time, and you both hit it off from there — but I know it’s not like that. I understand (but am not fully aware of) the signalling you girls do to get a guys attention. Yeah, I know it was you that made the first move, and I also know it was you that ‘allowed’ him to approach/talk to you/ask you on a date. But if you don’t know this, you’ll know it soon enough that us men are about as observant as a blind old man, and perhaps sometimes we need that extra nudge. My wife when we first met asked me out to watch the speedboats, there was no harm in that. I still had to work for her affection, and I still do, but some of us just need the little nudge! Also, give up after a while because sometimes we may act it, but we’re not THAT unobservant. Regardless of what you may hear in the world, men find it difficult to let women down too, sometimes ignoring the hints is easier.
Don’t always think the chase is everything
It is absolutely true that if a man hasn’t had to work for your affection then he’ll totally treat you like shit and take you for complete granted. This is why a certain amount of chasing you around is always the best option in any relationship. I don’t mean straight up ignore his calls, and tell him to try harder, but more so make him work a little for the glory in the bedroom, do a bit of dating and testing beforehand before letting him into those intimate parts of yourself. Just don’t get mixed up with someone that is addicted to the chase and gets bored after he’s bedded you. I lived with a flatmate years ago, and the amount of young women that I saw and never seen again was crazy. He’d just give them the it’s not you it’s me speech every time after the deed had been done. How would you know? Easy. Get him to share something deeply personal about himself. That will give you an idea whether he’s serious or not.
Set yourself higher standards
Perhaps you aren’t meeting the right men because you aren’t setting your sights high enough? I know through my own experience that just accepting anything that comes my way isn’t going to end me with very good results. In fact, in the times that I accepted ‘anything’ I ended up being more often than not very very unhappy. Have you ever heard the term, “we travel in different circles?” — that’s the truth for everything, including intimate relationships. You’re not likely to meet Mr Amazing if you haven’t yet, and you keep doing the same thing and going to the same places all the time.
How to attract a man
There’s this crazy concept in the world that there is a standard definition of beauty within cultures. I see it in the media all the time. Let me tell you that it’s a load of codswallop. If you get 1000 men in a room and ask them to choose their top ten attractive women out of 1000 pictures of random females their answers will be so wildly different that you’ll get an idea of how not standard beauty is. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. So don’t go around thinking that you aren’t attractive. Everyone is attractive to someone. I lead with this statement because men are very visual. Whilst you’ll hear from the many do-gooders that personality counts over beauty, and it does in the long run, you won’t get far if you turn up looking sweaty, smelly, and like you’ve been dragged through a bush backwards. Like they say in business, the first ten seconds count. If there’s no initial attraction then sadly there’s no getting to know your personality. Don’t take this harshly though, everyone is attractive to someone. I kid you not. Just meet the right people!
Okay, so I don’t mean be stalker-like but generally people like to be in the vicinity of other people that they enjoy being in the company of. If he’s clawing at the walls to get away from you then perhaps he isn’t interested. Being present is one of the best ways to get to know if a man likes you. How much time does he spend with you? And how far out of his way does he go to be around you? The more he tries to be around you then the more he likes you. Single men usually spend a good amount of time ‘chasing tail’ or in other words, chasing women, so if he’s around you more often than not — guess who he’s chasing!
Honestly? There’s nothing worse than being around a woman that has tighter body language than a man with stomach cramps. You know the type, right? Closed off, seems uninterested, only talks to her friends, doesn’t like ‘outsiders,’ you’re not going to attract the best of people that way. I’ve always said what you put out to the world then you get back. So if you’re giving off the vibe “I don’t want to be here” then you aren’t going to meet anyone, of interest anyway. As a rule I keep my body language open at all times, inviting most people in for a chat, because I never know what sort of opportunity may land at my feet; women, you should be thinking the same. Especially single women. I know, it’s annoying, the douchebags keep coming up to you, and you can’t be arsed with it anymore, I get it, but you aren’t inviting anyone else into your space! It’s your choice, but be warned.
Being a decent person is perhaps a basic requirement on this earth. I’ve heard women in the past tell me that they’ve had enough massaging the fragile male ego, that they wish to talk the way they want to without having to walk around eggshells all the time, yet when I’ve said something to offend them by accident they’ve completely lost their minds. Okay, this may be a highly extreme example but you’re not going to attract any form of decent man if you’re an old battleaxe with your words. I’ve known a few old war-swords with their words in the past and they’ve ended up angry and alone. Some even died alone. I speak of men and women here.
Navigate his ego
Just like being listened to, unjudged, without trying to fix any of your problems is like multiple orgasms to women, sitting there, listening to us, and telling us that we are fucking awesome human beings (in your own way) is our climax-like ultimate move. Be that person that we can be vulnerable with where no-one else cares not to bother. It’s a very lonely life in vulnerability with men. Women are super awesome with each other when it comes to bolstering that esteem, being a shoulder to cry on, and prank calling the ex that dumped you for that girl — men would just rather not be involved. We tend to have very few friends to rely on when it comes to being vulnerable. Be that person in that moment for us. This is the beginning of an amazing journey.
Men in relationships
There is no standard copy here. You’ll find that we vary exponentially. No two experiences are the same. That’s why I absolutely despise sweeping statements. Statements that start off with “Men are….” you just can’t say that because we come in all shapes and sizes and emotional capabilities. I’m going to run off a few important topics.
Despite what anyone tells you a man wants to feel safe too
Even the serial cheaters; that’s why they never trust a step you take. Whatever type of relationship you’re in, there are many these days, but one thing that is standard is a man likes to feel safe within the confines of his boundaries. When we talk about women linking to feel physically protected by their man, a man likes to feel loved and secure in his relationship. This is his security. Whilst it’s not very threatening for a man to walk out at 9pm at night for a jog, it’s very threatening for a man to not feel that he can trust his partner. It’s a very common thing in woman circles before you get on your preachy-box and run off a list about how many more men cheat than women. Safety is key for all concerned, not just the woman in the relationship. You can easily build this by being straight up honest with him at all times. Try get him to do this too!
The Bat, err, Man Cave
Generally referred to as somewhere a man needs to go away to process his emotions after a big argument, a crappy day, or just something is up. I have a mate who’s brother died and his man cave was his friend. He tells me he escaped by getting into video games. As a said many moons ago in this article, that us men, or particularly men of my era and beyond were given a bit of a raw deal. When it came to anything emotional we were told to put up or shut up. I was told many times that if I didn’t stop crying I’d get something to cry about and my Dad followed through on that promise a good amount of times. We learned pretty quickly that in front of people generally isn’t a great place to show any emotion whatsoever. So we retreated to our man caves to process them. We’ve done it since we were little boys. It can be broken though. My wife has always encouraged me to talk with her about what’s going through my mind. After many years of growth, reflection and development I have no batcave. Strangely, I can’t use my ‘actual batcave’ until I’m fully relaxed and have zero on my mind — it can be done.
Above all – be open minded
Your and my experiences have been very small in comparison to the enormity in range of men out there. We tend to hang in similar circles, talk to the same people, and stick to the same routines. Never underestimate humanities need for familiarity and safety. Just because you haven’t experienced it doesn’t mean it’s untrue. If you want to see what else is out there, go in groups you wouldn’t normally venture to. Speak to people you generally wouldn’t, and be warm to others you wouldn’t normally give the time of day. A well balanced view of the world is a far better tool to have than a view that echoes your own sentiments back to you.