My Wife Cheated On Me What Do I Do Next?
Okay, well, first of all I’ll be frank. I’ve been cheated on several times in the past; once in a long term relationship and a few times as we were getting passed the dating stage.
For us men it’s like a kick in the teeth. I don’t know about you but the last thing I would want to do was reach out to my friends. I can just imagine them now as they laugh and joke about me not being good enough for my woman as I told them that my wife cheated on me, with my tail between my legs. Not being man enough. Perhaps I shot duds? I could overhear them presume. Even if they stood quietly I could feel their mocking eyes boring into my soul; my shattered, blackened and torn apart soul, bruised from the torment of infidelity. This was all in my mind of course, I mean my friends have always been sympathetic to how I am. I can remember one New Years party that I was struggling with my Mental Health, and Barry, my mate, guarded a random bedroom as I took 15 minutes to gather my thoughts together. So this was all in my head, and if you’re thinking the same it’s probably in your head too.
Reach out to friends. You know you want to. Cry on their shoulders, drink with them like the old days, listen to the verve lucky man on repeat, you know?
A lot of people don’t understand that although feelings of sadness and despair are uncomfortable and most of the time unwelcome, allowing them to consume you is absolutely what you must do. In the past I was a bit of a feeling stuffer. I’m not too sure if that’s a term, but to me it’s when I stuff my feelings so far down the plughole that I can’t feel them anymore. This was my mantra. Become emotionless and bury my head in lots of work and nights out. But doing so would create a backlog. A queue of unhealthy feelings stacking back like mount Everest in the pits of my stomach. And they will come out eventually, oh yes; whether you’re quietly reading a paper and spot something offensive in it, or as you wave your angry hand at all the unjust things in the world as a distraction to not deal with your own mountain backing up — it’s coming though, you can just about see the legions of anger bobbing their heads up and down over the hill, several thousand strong.
It’s all about you
So your first duty as a husband is to start acting in exactly the way she has made you feel. Scream, cry, yell, fuck, who cares — let it all out. She’ll obviously try bargaining with you, or twisting the tale into a way that makes you seem like the bad person; just don’t lose fact that she’s the one that chose to have her cake and eat it at the same time. She’s the one that gambled with the best of both worlds and lost, she was the one that broke perhaps the most sacred trust between any two individuals that chose to get married and be faithful to one another. Right now it’s only you that matters because it’s all about how you feel and how you would like to move forward now that you know the truth; you’re only now coming to terms with the fact that my wife cheated on me. Also, people may tell you that you could have treated her better, or that maybe you could have tried more in the relationship, but that’s just doublespeak to excuse her from the act of cheating. You cannot be blamed for her not coming forward and telling you what was on her mind.
There will honestly be a few things to consider, and it’s something I’m not going to do; sit and make your decisions for you. But I’ll make you aware fully of the choices that you have in front of you. Firstly you are going to want to make the choice to stay in the Marriage or not. Asking yourself the question that when my wife cheated on me what will I do next? is a good start. Is it a risk you want to take with a cheater? Is she sorry? Does she want to stay in the relationship herself? Does her ‘sorryness’ reflect in the same way when everything is smooth again? For example: does her actions align with what she says? Are there kids involved? Would it be better that you were together or apart for the kids mental health? These are all very hard thoughts to take into consideration, but decisions must be made and boundaries set or she’s going to walk all over you.
It’s happened to many men
Around about now you’ll probably feel that you’re the only one this happens to, but you’ll be surprised to know that you aren’t the only one. There’s an entire movement built on the premise of the unfair treatment of men within the Marriage system and the courts. Men going their own way, or, MGTOW. Not that I agree with what they stand for but this group is full of men who have suffered at the raw deal of the courts and have used this movement as a way to justify their prejudices. When I was about 25 I found out the lady I had been seeing for 6 months, and had practically cohabited with had been seeing two other men all this time. As mostly a loyal young puppy dog you could imagine that this crushed me — fortunately I had enough women friends at the time to know that behaviours like hers were #notallwomen, but it did hurt all the same.
If you do decide to leave, or that she has said that she’s leaving you then I advise fully to lawyer up and get to the courts first. I’m not too sure if it’s just in the UK but the courts look favourably on men that can prove their spouse has been unfaithful, or that are wanting to break up on those grounds. Please don’t quote me on this, I heard it from one of my friends that has had this done to him.
Grieve my friend, grieve
I also implore you to take some time to grieve. Hook up with friends, chat shit about your ex-wife, embrace those feelings of feeling shitty and cheated out, because that’s exactly what’s happened to you. Grieving is a serious process and if we don’t grieve then we’re never really getting over our feelings. They don’t go away just so you know; you have to eventually let go of that anger and hatred, and if you don’t healthily let it go, it will come out in other weird and wonderful ways. Yeah, spend hours talking to your friends about how horrible she was, if you have good enough friends they’ll understand that you’re hurting and angry — eventually, as time plods on those feelings will fade off into nothingness and all that will be left is how you felt before you met her. Just another person.
You’ll also have to deal with the fact that another man could potentially be raising your kids. This entire concept doesn’t sit well with me. I’d absolutely hate my kid to be raised by another man, yet it’s a known fact that kids do better with two parental figures in the home. The trick is to not be difficult about it. Just accept that this is the natural progression if she were to have the children. If you try to be difficult then you are creating unbalance in your kids lives and that’s not good. Of course if he’s a deadbeat Dad and doesn’t give a crap about your kids that he’s in supervision of then now is about the time to gather some evidence to get custody.
Kids are the most important!
Remember not to forget that your kids are the most important in all this. So absolutely no “she did this” when they are around. I was a kid that was batted back and forth from my parents court like a tennis ball and used as a weapon against both of them. Don’t do that. Your kids will form their own opinions in time, let them choose for themselves. Any attempt to do otherwise may have them hating you forever. Just be there for them when it matters and never let them down and you’ll be fine.
A couple of great places for further reading and help:
Relate counselling services / Find a counsellor in your area