Share, Inspire, and Conquer
Thank you to Thomas Ives at Bestowing Fire for his beautifully written post. And the second person to brave a post in my “I’m a Survivor” series.
Three words that saved my life
I don’t know when it all started but I do know when I first noticed it. It was in my teenage years and shortly after my grandfather passed away. My grandfather would offer me and my brother money based on the grades of our report cards. For me, it was never about the money. It was the fact that I was beingrecognized and appreciated for my hard work in school. As children, my brother struggled in school and needed a lot of attention from my parents. So I always looked forward to the day we got our report cards and happily showed it to my grandfather. After he passed away, I found myself slowly slipping away and into a dark place.
Fast forward to my late twenties. The time between then as a child and now in my twenties was filled with putting on my mask to fit into the person that everyone wanted me to be and expected me to be. A mask to please them and to hide the true pain and torture I was going through. Then Cassie came into my life and changed everything. I have written about her before on my site and will continue to. Even though she was in my life for a short period of time, she affected me in ways that words can’t explain.
Cassie was only in my life for a short period because she died in a single car accident. The passing of my grandfather took me to the edge of the cliff and I had stayed there until Cassie passed away. Her death put me over the edge and I was literally hanging on by my fingertips. Waiting for life to come and kick or stomp on my fingers. There were several incidents where I tried to help speed up this process but fortunately none of them worked. As I sat at a stop sign one day, I realized and agreed that doing those incidents were pointless. At that moment, I pulled myself back onto the ledge but I was still looking over and wondering.
I was wondering “If I am not supposed to die today, then what am I suppose to do?” You see…even though my depression tells me that I am worthless, I have this “fire” inside telling me that I have a purpose. So over the next few years, the only thing I would try focusing on is “What is my purpose?”. I say try because depression never shuts up with the endless thoughts and lies. It was a constant battle then and it still is today. In the midst of the struggles with it, I was able to make one of my dreams come true.
I started a website. A website with the goal and daily intentions of helping others lost in the darkness of their struggles. As I was working on bringing it to life, I wanted to come up with some kind slogan. A slogan that also had a meaning and purpose, just as I had been searching for years. Suddenly three simple words came to mind only after lots of brainstorming and horrible ideas. The words went great with my site but they were so much more to me. These three words gave my life purpose and also the strength to press on during the really bad days.
The words were: Share, Inspire, and Conquer. My purpose? Share my story to inspire others so that they can conquer ______. It’s blank at the end so that you can fill it in with what you are battling with. I loved these words so much that I had a wristband made with them on it. How have these words saved my life? Every time I feel the darkness trying to pull me back in, I look at my wrist and read the words. Every time I want to grab a knife or drive through a stop sign just to end the pain, I look at my wrist. Those words remind me everyday why I am still here and what my purpose is.