What does a porn film director do?
He ensures the actors are strategically placed for the pleasure of the viewers.
When it comes to communicating your sexual wants, take direction from the porn director. Use strategically placed words for the pleasure of yourself and your partner.
Communicating your sexual desires often makes people squeamish. You might feel twinges of embarrassment ripple through your psyche when you play out the scene of directing your partner in your head.
But think of it this way: Imagine yourself on a stage. Seated before you is a crowd of people. What are you feeling? Ripples of fear and embarrassment? Do you believe each audience member is judging you and laughing at you?
Now imagine yourself seated in the audience. You are watching a person on the stage. Are you ridiculing them and laughing at their mistakes? No, that is the furthest thing from your mind.
It’s all about perspective.
When your partner asks you for things in bed, do you judge them? No, you want to please them. You care about them and their wants and needs. It makes you feel good inside knowing that your partner entrusts you with this most secret information and desire.
Your partner feels the same. They want to know what you want. They want to hear how they can best please you. Your partner wants nothing more than to know what will make you happy.
If you feel uncomfortable communicating your sexual desires, start with something low key. When you and your partner are relaxed and distraction free, ask them how they like to initiate sex, and what turns them on most as the receiver. You may find they like a buildup: for you to send sexy texts throughout the day, then a slow buildup after they come home from work with a massage and affectionate touches.
Or you may be surprised to find they get turned on by a sudden act. You will not know until you ask. Sexual initiation is a very personal thing, and discussing it is a great way to open the lines of sexual communication.
Remember, you are on each others team!
You can make a game out of it to help ease into communication. As you’re kissing their neck, say, “do you like it when I kiss you here? How about here?” Adjust your angle, approach, throw in a gentle nibble, and get their response.
Also, listen to their body language. It actually tells you a lot. A good sign they are enjoying the current rhythm or action is if they start breathing heavier and faster, and emit moans.
As you gain communication confidence, branch out. And remember to be completely accepting and open. Really listen to your partner. When they feel that they are being heard, they are much more open to participating in deeper discussions.
Be accepting and negotiable. Your partner may want something that you do not. When this happens, discuss other things you can do as a compromise. But also give it an honest contemplation, you never know what you are going to like unless you try it.
When informing our partner what we want, leave the door open for negotiating. Many couples keep some sexual wants secret. This is not healthy for either person. Open communication is the key to any interpersonal relationship. Make your needs known and prioritize what you can and can’t live without, and be sure to explain how things will make you feel in the long run. Always be clear when communicating, do not leave room for doubt.
Don’t be shy about asking questions for clarification! Your partner will feel validated that their wants are being taken seriously. And that is always sexy.
If you want something, you must go after it, nobody’s going to hand it to you.
The same applies in bed. If you want it, well, you’re going to have to ask.
You know what you want. You deserve it! This is your life! The only life you know of, so enjoy it!
Now go talk dirty with your partner. Be prepared though, open communication about sex makes for hot foreplay.