Eduation should be better
I’ve never had much problem with consent during my life. Even as a young, single and raring to go young man. I do think it’s something that needs to be talked about more amongst peers and it’s something that men need to be educated on better. It turns out that even I’ve had to learn a few valuable lessons throughout my life when it comes to consenting adults. I’ve also learned a lot about ‘minimising’ and how women tend to do this. It actually explains much during my life.
Think of me as a younger, shy male that had been raised by an overtly tactile mother. I was brought up by a loving Mum that taught me to highly respect women in as many ways as she could, but there was just some things I couldn’t learn from her. Things that Dads should know and pass on to their Sons. Social faux pas’ for example. I remember grabbing one of my teenage friends breasts because I liked them, and with that action she nearly punched me out with her fist. Good on her because I learned a valuable lesson that day. No groping!
But it didn’t stop there. I remember sexually cuddling one of my colleagues that had a boyfriend in my early twenties, I crept up behind her and smothered her with my body. It wasn’t an innocent cuddle let’s just say; and although she laughed and made no big deal about it I’m now fully aware that she was minimising the issue. Punching me out like the last woman might have caused all sorts of hassle for her. It wouldn’t have, but she didn’t know that.
Consent and leadership – do they intertwine?
And this brings me to the next question. It is healthy for a man to lead. I feel good when I lead my partner into all sorts of situations, so how do I obtain consent without acting like a pussy? I hate that word but it feels convenient for this article. In all of my consentual sexual relationships I have taken the lead and have had my wicked way with my partner. But I ask how does one show leadership in the bedroom, or just plain interest when consent has to be asked for?
Well, it’s like this. For a woman a brand new sexual relationship is a scary thing. I am a man. Throughout history men have proven time and time again that they are violent, self centred, aggresive and controlling. Men take what they want with little regard for anyone else. This is what she will see in the playground, this is what she will see as she grows up into a lady, and this is why I need to prove that I am different. People like to generalise and blanket statement. We haven’t evolved our brains to think out of small communities yet to think on a globalised scale. So even although we are connected across the entire world we still tend to slip up and think, “Men are..” and “Women are..”
This isn’t the case at all. People are so wildly different that blanket statements do not do diversity any small justice.
Many, many horrible stories
I have been told many stories from various women about men that have proceeded without consent, and this could be as trivial as “I told him to go ahead but I didn’t really want to” to flat out “I couldn’t move, I was paralysed with fear but he still continued to thrust into me” and those stories always make me feel sad inside, that some men are so unaware and out of tune with their sexual partners body language and core communication around the act of sex that it pretty much spoils the whole situation.
For me it should go like this:
Ask her before I act on anything. I said earlier that it’s nice to lead so I like to use leading statements.
“You are so crazily sexy I just want to stroke the inside of your thigh, can I?” She’ll soon tell me if I can’t.
“I love your breasts, they create such a fire inside me, can I stroke them?” More than likely she’ll be ecstatic that I want to, but I’ve given her the option to say no.
It’s all about creating up a bond of trust with my partner. If we both trust each other then she’ll be more open to explore other avenues with me. When I ask for permission then I am subconsciously telling her that I am not prepared to violate her boundaries, and that’s sexy, and trustworthy.
So there’s two rules that I go by when it comes to sexual consent and it goes like this. If she is unable to answer me with a no, for whatever reason, then I don’t proceed with sex. If she tells me no, for whatever reason, then I don’t keep going where I was going. I will only start to ‘get jiggy with it’ if she is fully comprehensible and can give me a straight yes.
All you need to know, dude!
And that’s all men need to know. Ask before, not during, or after, and work up to safe and trusting sex. It shouldn’t be rocket science. But from some of the horror stories I have heard throughout my life it seems that consent is the equivalent of nuclear physics to some men.