I wish I could sit here and tell you that I’m the perfect lover; that I send my wife into a upward spiral of self-ecstasy and whenever I talk to her she has multiple orgasms right there, on the spot. I’ll let you into a secret; I’m really not that good, and have never been. You can call it my personal learning curve. I’m getting better each day though, I will admit that in my defence, and that I am at least trying to make life better for her. I’m not say, putting my feet up and watching the football whilst resting a beer on her fake boobs that I made her buy.
It’s been a tough learning curve for me. Before Natalie there was just me and no-one else to sit there and disagree with whatever I was going to get up to next; I was my own man, I had no-one else to answer to. Natalie was the first long term relationship I have had ever, it was only lucky that she stuck around long enough to be my wife. I’m blessed to have such a committed woman.
I had a crash course in life with her. I learned all that I was supposed to learn in my earlier years from failed relationships balled up into one, to say that we’ve been through the muck is an understatement; we’ve seen most of it, and to my absolute amazement she’s stuck with me, through thick and thin. I feel blessed, and special. I think it’s natural for two people in a Marriage to be special to one another. I think that’s why we marry each other — to know that when either of us draw our last dying breath the other will be at our side, holding hands until we slip away. I’m a romantic at heart.
My wife was nearly in tears the other day because of an argument that we were having and what she had to say had my ears prick up; it made me understand that I had to work on my relationship with her a bit better, do better, try better. I’m not saying we are in trouble but whenever something like this arises it prompts me into action. It causes me to think, and perhaps come to a sort of agreement that we can both move forward from. Admittedly, this time, the fault was all mine.
I’ve always prided myself on being a great listener. Years ago, I learned to read between the lines; listen to what people were telling me and what they were trying to hide from me. I can usually sniff out people within the first ten minutes of knowing them. It’s why I was so good at my last job, and it was why people stuck with me for years. I usually know what they want. See, I have a unique ability. I spent years trying to please people; walking to the ends of the earth for others just so that they would like me. To me, at the time, being liked was all that mattered. I couldn’t bare not being liked, and it was a side effect of having high emotional awareness. Conflict is like needles in my eye. So, with my years and years of meeting people’s needs and the high emotional awareness I’m usually able to have a rounded idea of people very quickly.
Did I tell you I turn it off with friends and family? Yeah, I have filters. Everything gets snuffed when I’m with friends and family because it would literally drive me insane; constantly analysing people that are my nearest and dearest when all I want to do is have fun around them. Anyway, with Natalie I had been totally ignoring my abilities and minimising her emotions and not listening to her,
“Oh, it’s fine honey, don’t be so silly”
See, I do this a lot; too much in fact. I should actually be listening to what she has to say rather than telling her that what she is feeling is her being silly, because it’s not. Perhaps I should take a lesson out of my own book. I am forever telling my audience on here that the emotions we feel are natural and no matter how strange or curious they are, then to us, they are natural. Perhaps I should listen to myself instead of telling my wife that she’s ‘being silly’ — it sounds strange to say it but I realised I’ve been doing exactly what I have been telling others not to do. A relationship should be empowering, not the other way around.
If I’m brutally honest with myself I usually say these things to her because I don’t want to start worrying about them too. My mind is usually on an even keel most of the time, but sometimes it just takes that slight nudge to tip me over the edge into panic-ville, like when Alex catches a virus. I really should stop minimising my wife. Even if her worry doesn’t mean too much to me it doesn’t mean that it’s not drastically important to her, and that really counts, you know? She matters. If she’s worrying and I’m not I should try and help her, instead of telling her to stop being silly.
Men do that to women quite a lot I’ve found, and I’ve honestly never had it done to me before by a woman, so I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to listen better to my wife, and ultimately be a better lover for her. I’m trying to empower her as much as I can as she does for me.