Ah, the infamous shy guy. Yeah, I was one of those once upon a time. I hated approaching women. You could often find me skulking in the shadows not talking to many people and away from any crowd or attention. I hated anything that would stand me out from the crowd, and I generally tried to hide myself. People had to talk to me to get a conversation going, and sometimes I’d get frustrated when no-one spoke to me. I wasn’t willing to make the effort because that would put me in a situation that was dreadfully uncomfortable.
Sadly, being shy isn’t conducive to drumming up any interest for yourself. A good lady friend of mine, and one that I had been interested in for years said something to me that I’ll never forget. We were at a party once and she said to me, “Raymond, you need to get out there and get noticed. No-one is going to know who you are if you sit here, in the shadows” and she was right, and uncomfortably right at that. I really wanted a partner to share my life with, but one wasn’t going to fall out of the sky and magically talk to me. I had to make some effort to get noticed at least.
And thus began an amazing transformation of shy guy in the shadows to comfortable man in his surroundings. That’s not to say that I don’t still get overwhelmed in a big group of people, because at my core, I’m still an introvert at heart, and big groups of people zap my energy, but now, I’m comfortable in that situation and I have no problems with being the centre of attention.
It sounds difficult doesn’t it? The transition. How the hell would you even transform from lurking in the shadows waiting for people to talk to you, to being out there and having no problems with social attention. Well, whilst not a definitive list, here are a few great pointers to get yourself out there.
Make your presence known
Okay, so I don’t mean jump out in front of someone you find appealing in an all out creep fest, because doing so would just feel uncomfortable and strange, but if a woman doesn’t know you even exist, how will she know that you’re interested in her? So, make your presence known. Introduce yourself to her, talk to her about interesting things. Get a feel if she’s compatible with you or not, by that I mean ask yourself if she’s someone you’d like to take out on a date, or if she’s someone you wouldn’t want to know in a million years. After knowing some people for ten minutes I generally have a good idea if I want to be in their presence or stay a million miles away. This can be the key to having a good date. So, basically, make sure she’s aware that you exist. And not through a friend of a friend, make sure she’s talked to you at least once and for about five minutes.
State your Intention
Most shy guys have the first hurdle licked with a woman that they are interested in but fall flat on their face at this hurdle. Friendzones (I hate that word) are a thing because you guys don’t communicate your intentions clearly. She’ll keep you as a friend (if she likes you as a person) because you haven’t told her otherwise, and if you leave it long enough she’ll view you as a sexless friend she can tell everything about her relationships with, just not any relationship she views you in with her, ever.
To be clear there’s nothing wrong with being friends with women, but if you have a romantic interest in this woman it’s only fair and honest to communicate this to her very early on. Okay, so I don’t mean go all out and say, “I want to have sex with you” because it clearly doesn’t work like that, and you’ll be shoved on the backburner of people she tries not to talk to.
Stating intention can be verbally, or non-verbally, or a mixture of both. It’s all about giving her the right signals that you would like something more from her when you’ve decided that she’s a good match for you. Don’t hide it. Don’t sit with her for ages going through all her problems when you’re only doing so to get more from her. Be open, and direct. Be a straight talker and one that portrays their intentions directly.
Learn to detach
Ever heard of the phrase, “don’t be too available.” Yeah, don’t. And don’t try and manipulate this situation either. If you try and manipulate it then when you move from dating to being in a relationship with each other she’s going to eventually find out that you’re clingy AF.
It’s something I always struggled with. I had only wanted a woman to share my life with and that’s all I ever wanted, so finding time for myself was always put on the back burner. Here’s the thing though, if you don’t learn to find time for yourself and be your own person then no-one is going to be very interested in you. Get yourself a hobby, find yourself an interest and go out there and be a bit too busy. Immerse yourself in life’s lovely qualities that can often have you letting your friends down on one or two ocassions because you’re too busy with your hobbies and interests. Be busy. That’s really not a bad thing.
Be spontaneous
Nothing says trip to snoozeville more than a guy that’s positively predictable and incredibly boring. Don’t plan to take your date for a coffee or to a resturant, instead, take her horse riding, sky diving, mountain climbing — be vigilant, make sure it’s something that she would enjoy before springing it out on her. Our first date was watching speedboat racing. I thoroughly enjoyed it, as did she. Taking her somewhere she would love to go, and being different from the general populous could mean the difference between, “Oh just some guy that I went on a date with….” to “wow, the best date I ever had”
Above all, be respectful
Be respectful dude. If you’re shy like I was then you probably didn’t have many offers growing up. It may be hard seperating your lust and pent up sexual tension from the date you’re on but you need to respect her always and know where you stand when it comes to consent. No being creepy. I’ve heard no amount of women tell me the really nice guy that she thought she was dating acted like a sexual predator on her first date with him. A date is just the first step! You’re getting to know each other a little bit better, and it’s definitely not an open invitation to her bedroom. Just be mindful and above all, respectful.
Very helpful tips. Thanks for sharing!