Why I trust my wife fully
My wife has never offered up her trust easily, I’ll admit that at first it was hard to reach into those upper echelons of trustworthiness in her mind. I remember some of the minor squabbles we had when we were first dating, and I struggled at the beginning to be fair. Because I was always one for liking to maintain that happy medium. Never wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings, always trying to be on their good side. Some may say that’s an admirable trait, but it wasn’t in essence, because if action needed to be taken that would require an unhappy outcome I would just lie about it.
Not whopping big lies of course, like lies of the nature that I was having a secret relationship behind her back or anything out-there like that, more so lies that I deemed as just small ones to get by. I had a knack of buying coffee for breakfast every morning before I went to work, and she’d ask me, did you have coffee? I’d always tell her no. In my eyes I was shielding her from hurting her feelings but in essence I was just scared of standing up to her and facing the consequences of my actions. I’m not saying I was wrong, or she was, I am saying that there was a allowance to be made by someone, and I wasn’t willing to face up to it.
It wasn’t just coffee before work either, it was a list as long as my arm, things that pissed her off, that I wouldn’t admit to or I would deny any knowledge of, because they would lead to an argument, or worse I’d have to stop doing them. And I was my own guy, right? I had been doing them for years and years and it hadn’t caused me any harm thus far, albeit perhaps £20 our of my monthly wage packet, and she was just being a hindrance rather than a supporter.
Funny thing is that she always found out about what I was doing, either she’d find some evidence or I wouldn’t be able to sneak the lie past her. It wasn’t a relationship breaker of course, only that it would really frustrate her. You know those things that excruciatingly piss you off about another? Yeah, that. I didn’t realise it at first but because I was doing all those little things behind her back she would always question what else I could be doing? If I was perfectly happy to sit and lie to her about small things, wouldn’t I have absolutely no problem about bigger things? Luckily, in my defence though, I hadn’t given her any cause to hugely doubt my intentions, only that I was a conflict avoider and people pleaser.
It came to me later though, through a series of deep reflection that it essentially didn’t come from a place of not wanting conflict, it came from a place of deep distrust in myself. In a sense that if conflict was presented to me then I wouldn’t be able to handle it accordingly. It stemmed from a lifetime of socialising and associating with people that would cut me down and laugh at me when I was upset, rather than guide and empower me. People that would empower me to feel safe that whenever I talk I have a platform to be heard and taken seriously when I speak. And through this rampant distrust of myself it boiled over into my other relationships. I had to question myself if I fully trusted Natalie, I mean if one hasn’t learned to trust oneself how can I trust another? Behaviour is learned, I wasn’t just magically born with it. If my personal growth had been around abusers and narcissists how could anyone expect me to know how to trust anything?
It was then that I started to get rid of most of the deadwood, the meaningless relationships that cut me down rather than bolstered me up. I empower and inspire people now, I expect to have the same returned, a relationship and friendship is bi-directional and not one way.
And it was from there that I found a great inner strength that I didn’t know existed, one that was able to forge long lasting and meaningful relationships with new friends and old, I was given a platform to speak from all of them, talk about my feelings, cry at certain times and completely embrace my masculinity to the fullest, and now, I absolutely trust myself to do what is necessary and healthy in absolutely any circumstance that is presented to me, and Natalie, my beautiful Natalie. She has never once, ever, given me a moment to distrust her whatsoever, even in my distrusting days, even when I was spinning her a mouthful of shit. She’s always been open and honest and truthful with me, and now I can safely say that I can be the same. I trust her with all my heart.
If I do something wrong I’ll admit to it, we’ll then discuss it and we’ll make allowances or move on. No longer am I frightened of consequences and I’ll most certainly 100% own up to my convictions, and through this deep trust and understanding of myself I know exactly who is trustworthy and who isn’t within at least ten minutes of talking to them. My instincts haven’t been wrong yet!
why I trust my wife fully
