Let me start by saying that there’s nothing wrong with our sex life whatsoever, and just because we aren’t having much sex right now doesn’t mean our relationship is dead; in my eyes, it’s very much alive.
I’ll begin on a hot summers afternoon when I came back home tired from work, eager to see what Natalie had bubbling on the stove. She was making a shepherd’s pie, which at the time was one of my favourite things to have after a hard day’s work. I remember as I walked into our house, half asleep, and before the pie-smell hit me a pregnancy detector was thrust in my face. I looked up and Natalie’s eyes were smiling, it’s what she had wanted since she was too young to remember, a nice little family. I remember the joyous feeling that ran rampant through my innards; wanting to cock-a-doodle doo my news from the highest of rooftops.
It had been fun trying to get her pregnant. We had been having unprotected sex now for months; we weren’t set on having children but we were willing to enjoy the experience and whatever happens, would happen. Alas, she was pregnant and now I knew that my sex life would drop out of existence, and that was fine, you know, sex wasn’t everything. If you want to have a family then certain sacrifices have to be made. I had heard through other friends talking that some women get super horny when pregnant, but not Natalie, she stopped talking about sex altogether.
After Alex was born our life slowly hopped back on track again and it wasn’t long before we were at it again, like rabbits, whenever he was asleep or gone to his nans. This was important in my eyes; when kids are involved then we need to do everything that we can to keep some passion alive amidst the struggle of their earlier years. It was hard, but we managed to sneak a bit here and there whenever we had the spare time. After all, she enjoys sex too!
Fast forward to this present moment and we’re both getting not much sex at all, nada. Natalie had a hysterectomy last year and since then she’s had complication after complication; it isn’t mental it’s physical for her. We’re hoping we can get it sorted out eventually. More importantly, what do I do in the mean time? I mean I’ve heard stories of men whining, to demanding it, and then straight up taking sex for themselves. These are horror stories to me of course, yet, that aside, how am I coping? You may think not very well, but you’d actually be quite surprised.
First of all sex doesn’t need to be penetrative at all. There’s more than one way to skin a cat as my Granddad would tell me. I get just as much pleasure from kissing, touching and fondling as I would with penetrative sex. There was a time when I could ejaculate by going down on her; my mind can often do most of the work for me. There is so much sensuality to my partners body that most of the time I am just happy as I am. Of course, there are times when she straight up tells me to go and sort myself out, and that’s fine, because she fully understands the mans need to constantly relieve himself.
This is where porn failed for me in the past. If I was still constantly watching porn then there would be a need for visual stimulation, penetrative sex, and a lot of visual aids – perhaps I would want to act out a scene; I shudder at the thought but I wouldn’t put it past myself. When we watch porn we become desensitised to the act of sex; what could be a thick aura of sexual prowess and uncharted depths of the soul is brought forward and presented as flesh and bone. Objectification. There was no urge to delve deeper. To touch, to smell, to taste, to feel, to be at one with my partner; all replaced with what I see in front of me — I could not bring myself to see past the physical.
I often wonder if objectification is a factor in why some men find the need to pressurize their partners into sex when they don’t want to, or worse, can’t. I’ve heard of women getting pregnant in the past and their partner has gone off to get himself a side-chick to cope with the lack of sex in his life. I’ve heard of men outright demanding sex from their partners, even when they were in hospital. I’d love to hear some stories from women on this.
Yeah, perhaps it’s time to grow the fuck up a bit, men. I am speaking to you guys that are feeling particularly defensive right now. Time to grow up as the men that you were supposed to be and be counted. Start realising that there is far more to women than meets the eye, beyond the physical, because when you touch her mind with your awesomeness then all sorts of weird and wonderful delights come out of it, but you’ll not get there by demanding that she do anything, or getting a side chick. Both of you need to be playing the same game.
Yeah, I can happily say that I’m not getting too much sex right about now and that’s fine. I’m happy! Eventually it will get better and heal, and good things come to those that have patience!