Depression is a fucker
Depression is a fucker. I mean it. It sucks the life out from us from right under our feet. One moment we’re sitting there, happy, enjoying the sunshine and the warm sun rays as we gently splash our feet in the warm blue water, and then BOOM. Like a thunderous, odious and horrific thunderstorm depression encapsulates our very being. It eats us from the inside out. We come shadows of ourselves. I was once a shadow of the man I had been before. A no-man. A no-man because I wasn’t living up to my true masculinity. I wasn’t honouring myself as a man and my needs and wants.
I’m no fan of depression.
And as an Aspergers man that’s really prone to depressive bouts, and at one point in his life suffered from self-restricting clinical depression; I hate the very essence of the idea that depression walks on. Nor do I envy anyone that has it, because it sucks.
But who is going to be the first that stands up to it and say,
“No! Not me!”
I see it everywhere; people decrying depression for what it stands for but no-one actively looking for a solution. In my mind we can all have depression at one point in our lives, and yes, probably some people have suffered from it, but when does anyone take the stand to fight against it? To not be knocked down by the beast of insecurity and unhappiness that is depression?
I see Facebook statuses, blog posts, twitter feeds, websites dedicated to it; raising awareness, fighting the good fight,
“Don’t judge me, I have depression. Depression is a killer”
It is, and I truly feel that! But there are ways out, you don’t have to let your illness become you.
There was a point in my life where everything that I did I’d blame on my ilness(es), my depression, my schizophrenia; I’d apologise to people and rationalise that my behaviour was because of my illness, and people would blindly accept what I had become because they didn’t fully understand what I was going through. Truth be told not many people did, or still do.
My illness had become me. Depression and schizophrenia had finally consumed me. I was no longer the person that I was but a person that acted upon his desires and often psychotic behaviour and blamed his illnesses for it.
Perhaps you’re the same? Perhaps not?
Look for a solution
Why aren’t you looking for a solution? Why are you asking people to tolerate your condition when you are making absolutely no attempt at bettering it? Yeah, depression is hard but no-one is going to make it easier for you. No-one but yourself will lift a damn finger to help YOU.
And please, please, please don’t give me the story about how I just don’t understand. Two years ago I watched a detached elderly man win a national award and become a pivotal point in his community. I watched a young aspergers kid who had nothing, that no-one believed in, and no-one had any faith in, become someone.
And I watched a stinking, unkempt, never-worked-in-his-life older man actually want to do some work, start to take pride in his appearance, and feel like he was part of the community.
So no, no more excuses, please.
Everyone has something to offer
In my mind depression is this. It’s expectation versus reality. When I moved back up to Scotland after a somewhat difficult and lifechanging several months my reality had been smashed out of the window. Gone. It had been absolutely obliterated.
Previously I was someone; I had a job, had friends and was well respected in the community that I lived in. People knew me, people respected me, and I enjoyed that. I had built over the space of three years a really, really good life for myself. And it all came crashing down with one swift blow that sideswiped me when I wasn’t looking.
And I fell into the dank pit of despair.
For a good five long years.
You see, I’m definitely not blaming you for the way you are; depression isn’t the easiest of things to get to grips with, it’s not. Not at all. But there’s a way out if you only allowed yourself that chance.
Here’s probably a few things you’ve been thinking whilst reading this:
You have no idea what I’ve been through. What the hell do you know?
Chances are I haven’t. I can’t. I don’t know you. But I’ve went through some pretty tough times in my life that have spiralled me out of control. Check out here where I talk about rape, miscarriage, post natal depression, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, stealing and porn addiction. Lots here. Lots I’ve been through, and had to work on myself a great deal. It doesn’t start with denouncing the world for being a really shitty and unfair place (it is! I agree), it starts with looking at yourself and changing those things about yourself that you don’t like. Book an appointment at a counsellor, go see a doctor. Talk about these things, be open!
You’re privileged to have all that opportunity thrown at you
You know? At first I really wasn’t. I was stuck in a nowhere town in a nowhere friend circle that didn’t want to learn anything but drink and smoke drugs, that in my opinion is self defeating. I firmly believe in life that you create your own opportunity, and that opportunity is thrown your way every day, you just need to learn when to spot it and to grab it.
I had a friend that worked in a dead end networking job in Glasgow, and he had the chance to go to London with his mates, live freely and create a band. To me that’s a no brainer. Was it for him? Fuck me was it a hard decision that we spent weeks discussing the pros and cons over what to me was a straight forward decision. I’ve always been someone that jumps in feet first and reviews his circumstances later. I’ve had some good decisions out of that in my life.
Anyway, he’s now down sarf earning way over £100k per year. Opportunities are what you make them.
You have no idea how it feels
Alone? Constantly sad? Don’t feel worth much to anyone? Scared people will leave you? Scared? Don’t feel worth much to anyone? Hate life in general? Want to disappear into a room and have the keys thrown away? Don’t want to leave the house? Yeah, I have a pretty good idea. And I emphasise with that completely.
But what are you going to do about it? I mean you could continue to be like that.. or you could do something about it? I have a few beat depression posts. You could always see a counsellor or contact a doctor?
It’s harder than you think. Your journey was probably easier
Listen, mate. My journey was damn tough. I’ve had to sacrifice my love for alcohol and cigarettes, quit porn altogether, apologise to several people I had badly wronged in life, make peace with my Dad before he died, question my ethics and morals, quit jobs that allowed me to earn, move to a different country, admit to myself that I’ve been a total c**t to some people at various times in my life, and so much more. You probably haven’t even tried yet have you? Tell the truth to yourself now, you haven’t. That’s what the mind tells you to appease you not taking any action. Take action now.
It’s too hard. I’m scared
This was me. This was SO me. I’d tell everyone else my problems bar the people I was having a problem with. You’ll also find out that with depression the thought of something is way more scarier than how it plays out. I was always scared of the consequences but after putting myself out there and owning up to my responsibilities the consequences turned out way less than what my mind had played out.
Your depression can eventually heal
All in all, in my eyes, your depression can eventually heal, it can be allieviated. But you need to try. No amount of sitting there doing nothing will convince yourself otherwise. You can’t help anyone, or yourself by just sitting there and blaming the world about the problems in it without taking any action yourself. That just leads to further depression and further feelings of hopelessness.
Don’t slink into the trap I did.
Kick that depression out of the pitch!
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