What do I mean “Mr Nice guy”? It sounds a positive thing to be a nice guy! After all, aren’t nice guy’s, well, nice? Wrong Mr! and I’ll tell you exactly why. Being the “good guy” all the time has it’s serious downfalls and it’s largely related to internal anger. After all - if you were just being completely nice to absolutely everyone then wouldn’t you have a ball of rage inside you so intense that’s it’s just itching to explode like Krakatoa? Do you have conversations with yourself on how events will play out only to end up with you being nice and when you’re angry at something you just keep the lid on it. It’s not healthy, not healthy at all. An awesome example of unhealthy anger would be on the film Anger Management with Adam Sandler & Jack Nicholson:
So is this you? Yes? No? Nah, no way! Well, why not read my unhealthy list to find out.
You get other people to meet your needs.
You wonder what I mean by this don’t you? Well, your whole life is centred around being nice to people, and in your mind your needs will be met if you’re a good person. Instead of asking straight out and saying, “I want to do this” or “I want it”you find yourself more often than not asking people “how do you fancy doing this? Only if you want to though”. Leading questions are your friend and more often than not you expect people to do things for you. I was a Mr nice guy a long time ago. I didn’t have a car and when I would need to get somewhere I would phone a friend or a relative and tell them how crap it was that I wanted to get to X and couldn’t because I had no transport. The thing is when they [obviously] offered I was say, “are you sure that’s no problem?” and “I’ll get the bus, are you sure?”. You see, although I said all of that I would ultimately expect that they give me a lift to x, y or z. Now, if I can’t get anywhere I straight out ask or find a solution myself. You see, your friends existence in life aren’t there to meet your needs no matter how much you think they are.
You lack the decision power to decide on even the smallest of things and take accountability for nothing.
“What would you like to do today? I don’t know, you decide and we’ll take it from there.” or “What should I do with this loser who keeps asking me out? I’m sure he’ll go away eventually, after all you’re too funny and nice and way out of his league for him to keep at it” You see, something that your mind finds so nasty from events in the past has probably forced it into thinking - yeah man, lets not make these decisions any more, decisions are horrible and if they’re bad I have to deal with the nastiness that follows, let’s have other people make them. It’s not your fault, generally all of this stems from childhood, and you are probably unaware of it. This is called Toxic Shame syndrome and it’s not pleasant.. Act now 🙂
You are far too needy with attractive women and get them to justify your existence
Women love to be loved, they like it when men desire them and feel attractive when men compliment them. The thing is they won’t want to be with a man that can’t ask them out. Rejection is a horrible thing but not that horrible. The more you put yourself out in the uncomfortable circle of uncomfortableness the easier it gets. So when you’re deathly scared to ask that important woman out, how bad can it be? More than likely she’ll say no - but then we move on, right? Because she said no that doesn’t justify you as a person. One woman’s rejection is another woman’s gain. You can’t attribute every woman in the worlds likes and dislikes to one factor - then they’d all be fighting over the same men and queueing out of the same coffee shops. Lets get real here. You justify you and that is all. If you find yourself paying her a compliment, “Oh you’re so awesome and funny, Dave doesn’t deserve you, he’s an asshole” to get one back, and believe me; this is your unbreakable binding secret contract, then you’re going to get nowhere. You might want to check out my Guys is it really simple? section to get an idea what women “really” want and like.
You have a shit-ton of attractive women friends and none that you don’t find attractive
There are an absolute TON of women out there, small women, tall women, slim women, over-size women, pear shaped women, hour glass shaped women of all different cultures, backgrounds and experiences that we could really learn from. I must admit, you could say I was the worst offender for this 15 years ago. Unattractive women weren’t to be socialised with because they couldn’t validate my existence and self worth - who cares if the girl that you think looks like Ozzy Ozbourne after a heavy night out wants to pay you a compliment, that holds no weight to your existence, right? Actually, you’ll find that there are a lot of valuable and gem-like women out there who absolutely glow of femininity and positivity, and it would be a pleasure to just have 20 minutes with them. Looks are mere looks and nothing else. We really can’t change what we’re born with; time to get over yourself 🙂
Last but not least you feel you are a really nice guy to get to know but need constant reassurance from everyone you know
Being a nice guy is what it’s all about for you. You do nice things for people and don’t ask for anything in return, or do you? When people say, “Awww you’re such a sweet guy” do your feathers puff up like a peacock? Do you get a sense of self elation? I bet you do and here’s why. It’s all beneath the surface. Let me ask you this - would you still do those “out of your way” things if people didn’t think you were nice, or even state it? If we removed the subliminal thank you messages and just left it blank, would you still go out of your way to do these things? I bet not! And I’ll tell you why - because I sure as hell wouldn’t. I’m not putting other peoples needs before mine unless they’re my direct family. I’m a nice guy, and I feel it. I don’t need to do things for people to feel it. Now listen I’m not saying be a selfish dick - that’s not the point, but go and do something for a random staranger. See someone in need and help them. You’ll get far more self-assurance than doing things for people only because they’ll like you or validate your niceness /existence 🙂
Thank you for listening. I enjoyed writing this, it gave me a chance to write about all of the things I have wanted to in the past. If you’re reading this and thinking, wow! That’s me. You’re not alone and it can be overcome with work. 10 years ago all of those above were me. Seek help, work hard at helping yourself, you’ll be fine! 🙂
I think the use of Anger Management was a great example of unhealthy anger.I had absolutely no clue that when someone is nice all the time, that they probably had some hidden anger issues. It does make sense though. No one is nice All The Time. Very thought provoking post.
Thank you! Yep, you’re 100% correct. Absolutely no-one is nice all the time, and the people that try to be 100% nice all the time usually erupt like Mt Krakatoa at the most inappropriate of times! Thanks 🙂
Heloo Raymond,
Is it True that good guys are loosers?
Every guy should try to escape from being a nice guy. There are other ways to be nice to a woman like complimenting them communicating.
I also liked your video. Although paying 100% attention is a bit hard, people can improve their relationships by simply listening and understanding one another.
Exactly Tony!
I wouldn’t say nice guys were losers, more so they lack conflict management skills and can’t deal with stress very well! It’s not their fault though, but if they stay the way they are they’ll never be happy.
Thank you Sir, re video 🙂
You are right. I have often been too nice to people in the past. I suppose it’s all about finding a balance. One the one hand, you don’t want to be nice to everyone because you then give them no reason to be nice to you. But on the other hand, you don’t want to be nasty to everyone. I think it’s about trying to judge whether people deserve you being nice to them.
Also, there are constructive ways to be assertive with people without having to resort to outright aggression.
Can you think if a situation where you were able to effectively be asserting with someone without actually getting angry with them?
Thanks! I like to hear positive feedback. Listening is a big thing 🙂
Never listen to mates advice about dating - I’ve found that by doing that then you are doing it “their” way. Be your own man, dictate to yourself how YOU go about doing this. Take the world by storm. You’ll find things get easier when you start doing it this way 🙂
[…] all for relationships being two way but if you let her lead all the time on your date then you’re not going to see her again. She’ll run away faster than you […]
Your right about keeping those feelings bottled up. I have done this in a past relationship and look where it got me. Nowhere fast..lol. Now I just act and say whatever I want. To some degree mind you. I noticed everyone is happier that way and people on both sides get what they need from being in a more constructive relationship. Thank you for the great points and I will definitely implement your advice!
Awesome dude!
Yup, no-one gained anything from not saying what they wanted to say. 🙂
Since I’ve started to say what’s on my mind life has been much easier, and people respect me better. Of course I am mindful of others though! 🙂
[…] a people pleaser years ago I could never get my head around this. I envisaged me punching this poor random lady out […]
[…] Ever since the 1960’s and the rebellious free-love state in which we lived in, hooking up and shagging with whomever we please. All that sex; sheesh I wish I was there! There has been a rise of young boys being born into single parent families and being fathered and mothered by their mothers. Similarly the exponential rise since the 70’s of state divorces and custody almost 100% being awarded to the mother. Also the mostly women led primary school classrooms and a whole load of other oestrogeny type things. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this - not at all, but when a boy grows into a man there’s one person that he needs around to teach him how to build, burp, swear and fart like a sailor. And that’s his Dad. Now women reading this will probably have their defences up right now but it’s not you that I blame, it’s those shit head fathers that can’t be arsed to be involved in their children. Anyway, so you see a trend growing here right? There’s a whole load of other things going on at play here when it comes to nice guyery, abuse, neglect, unhealthy anger, self-centeredness, depression and loads more - but this is about relationships, you can read more on a psychology blog if you want. Or a really good read is. No more Mr Nice guy. Check out my other articles on Nice guys too. […]
[…] Are you a needy guy? Needy guys seem to love putting the responsibility on their partners. “I’m not too sure honey, what would YOU like to do?”. Make a god damn decision, Sir. The amount of times I’ve sacrificed my needs for other people is unreal, and it gets you absolutely nowhere. Don’t do it. I had a lovely lady once say to me, “I want my guy to stand up to me and tell me I’m doing it wrong; I don’t want him to agree with me all the time. I hate it, I wish he was more decisive” - there you go my friend. This is women the world over. If you want her to run a Mile faster than Tigist Tufa start agreeing with everything she tells you. If you don’t want to do it then discuss it with her. […]
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