The difference between attraction and connection
This was me in a nutshell; and probably where all of my relationship quirks with other people fell foul, and probably to a certain extent of why I was classed as a vulnerable person for a long time. Was my dissociation with any sort of feeling or connection whatsoever in my life. I was confused, I was emotionally battered, I basically didn’t know if I was coming or going. And I feel there is a certain amount of men that suffer the same connection issues as I did as a younger male. Granted, I have no idea of the statistics but I’m sure if I have experienced it there is going to be at least a thousand others that have too, if not more. It’s generally not as rare as we think.
It stems from the Victorian era, when men were supposed to “keep the stiff upper lip” whatever the world throws at us. And because the Victorian era wasn’t that beyond and back ago we are still feeling the smarts of an emotionally pent up male society. This is why us men grumble away into our caves rather than sitting talking it over with our wonderful partners. Which can be highly frustrating for them / you. Your man may even explode in a ball of biblical first born Moses type rage over something minuscule; and that is because he’s kept those emotions unchecked, unresolved for ages.
Anyway. I was browsing Pinterest looking for inspiration as one does on a relaxed evening and came across this lovely blogger Chelsea. She made a brilliant list of “8 of the worst Marriage habits” which number 5 really made me think you know? I REALLY struggled with that in the past. The girls I had a connection with and the girls that I felt attracted to; it was one and the same to me. So I thought I’d document a little post of the differences between connection and attraction. And, it’s 100% better if you have both!
Connection
Connection is an emotional level bond you have with someone that doesn’t necessarily lead to attraction. You can have connection with your male friends; you bond with them and you talk about your private life and your personal space around them is quite low. Men can have connection with women when they share the same ideas / mindsets / ideologies / histories / hobbies - the list is literally endless. Connection is how we connect with one another on a personal level, and it determines who we will be friends with or not. You really don’t need to be attracted to someone to have a connection. Also, having a connection with someone makes you want to be around this person more often because you like what you both share. It does not mean you are “Attracted to them”
Attraction
Attraction is when you are actually attracted to someone, when you are drawn to them for something more than connection. In your late teens attraction is mainly fuelled by sexuality and sexual prowess; however once you get older and wiser you will crave the connection part too. I have heard SO many women say they’ve dated the hottest man in the world last night but as soon as he opened his mouth he turned into the ugliest man EVER. It is the same with healthy men. Healthy men will end up with a partner with a high level of connection because long lasting relationships can’t exist without that. But on the whole attraction is just that. A combination of lust, attraction and connection.
Conclusion
I really hope this made sense to you. As always I enjoyed writing this post so thank you for reading, and definitely let me know in the comments section below what YOU think!
This is a really interesting read, I have to say being now a lot older and in a 6 year long relationship we’ve been through the crazy attraction stage and although it’s still there our relationship is more of the connection now then anything, especially as we are parents! A good balance I think is what’s needed for a lasting and genuine relationship!
Yep, with almost everything in life; balance is the key 🙂
This is actually an interesting read. I enjoyed it. I’ve been with my partner little over 18 months. I’d say there was more of an attraction the first few months. I didn’t really think about it until today. I couldn’t imagine staying with someone I have no real connection with.
Nope. Neither can I 🙂 It is an issue some people face though!
Nice!
Thank you 🙂
Thank you 🙂
I hadn’t really thought about the two, but they are quite different. I think many relationship begin with attraction, but i have had one begin with connection too.
Yes! You can begin with both, or one, or the other 🙂
I need to give higher priority to attraction - connection won’t sustain a relationship where attraction is not.
This is very true! There needs to be attraction in a relationship. Great intimate relationships are founded upon both 🙂
I think you boiled it down pretty well. I liked what you said, because I was wondering how often we confuse the two. I’ve talked to people (because I suck at STOPPING talking to people), and after a few hours it’s like they think we’re soulmates. In my mind, I just found an interesting person to talk to and I’m okay with that. No attraction on my end. Then when they wanna meet again, I’m like “oh crap, what did I do?” Then there’s the times I’ve had a crush, but never known what to do about it, and I realize beyond a couple of small things, there’s no real connection, so I let it fizzle. Amazing how easy that is…though I imagine it’s not very healthy socially.
Connection vs. Attraction. Thanks for spelling it out in the best, most basic terms I’ve seen yet.
I’d love to re-write this. Mainly because I’ve grown a lot since I became a writer and I have a lot more to say about the issue. What you say is true though, this is really simplistic and boils it down quite nicely. Ha!
I agree with your comments, Raymond. Attraction and connection can be confusing to say the least. I differentiate between attraction (“chemistry”) and compatibility. Just because there’s attraction doesn’t mean there’s compatibility. He could be the hottest guy on the planet but other than “chemistry” or lust there might not be anything to hold the relationship together. Which is probably one reason why so many “relationships” don’t work out.
That’s true - if you can’t sit down and talk with your partner about life, love, fears and hopes then there’s going to be a very empty relationship 🙂
This is so true, I always say an ugly man can laugh you into bed, a good looking guy has no chance if you’s have no conversation.. and i guess vice versa…
That’s very, very true Beth. Thank you!