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But for me it was the way to go. I had been slowly plodding through life, picking myself up after failed relationship upon failed relationship. I started to think something was wrong with me. Like I was a round peg trying to fit into a square hole. Women just didn’t stay long with me. Part of me wondered if it had something to do with my parents. Dad had Married four times and each and every one of his marriages feel on their head, and then there was Mum, that at the time couldn’t keep a man occupied long enough to stay for longer than a year. I was wondering if I had some sort of family curse. It sucked. Always being on my own, never quite living up to a partners expectations or vice versa. It’s a lonely path to take, the road to singledom.
And I’d see my friends partnered up with really pretty girls, even from a young age. And I’d be screamingly jealous. Ryan, my best friend in School always had a pretty girl at his side, and I? Well, I had my right hand. And all through my late teenage years and early twenties my friends were always partnered up with lovely women and I had no-one. I’d partner up once or twice with a woman but only for a quick fumble and perhaps a week or two of being in a relationship and then boom. Single again. You see I’d always take it to heart too. Every knock back, every
“Um, I’m not into dating at the moment”
Every girl that split up with me after a few weeks, I took it on the chin. I’d say to my friends that she was a stupid bitch, and laugh at something unique and strange about her. But deep down I was crying inside. I was a little boy, trapped in a pothole with his arms outstretched, crying for someone, anyone, to pull him out of the empty oblivion that he always felt. I remember on cold dark nights to myself, when all my friends were out dating their women, and I was sat alone, with nothing to do,
I’d cry.
And I’d listen to sad music
I just wanted someone to share my life with. I wasn’t so bad, I was an easy going guy, why was I so unlucky? Sometimes it sucked to be me, to be alone in the world. To have a partner, to essentially bond with another women would be awesome, it’s all I ever wanted.
It was a good fifteen year struggle might I add, feeling, acting and being like this. Being kicked to the kerb most of the time.
It wasn’t until I started to change that everything began slotting into place. You see, I was right all along. A fleeting cry for help turned out to be the exact truth. I actually WAS a circular peg trying to fit into a square hole. My Mum and Dads failed relationships DID have a significant affect on me. I didn’t realise it at first, but I’m different. The more questions I ask other people about everything the more I understand that I think differently. That everyone thinks differently. I had been going about life the wrong way. For most of it I was trying to fit in.
Society does ‘x’ when dating,
So I do x, right? Hell, my friends do x, y and z, so I do that too, yes? - because society tells me that y and z are above the average efforts. I always jump two feet into everything. Always have done.
What I was getting wrong is that I was trying to mirror what other people were doing to make a success of things, but it wasn’t working for me because my peg was a circular shape. And I was taking it badly, I thought I was getting it wrong. So what did I do in the end?
I crafted a sense of self the likes of what I haven’t seen before. I learned who I was. People always told me,
“you need to find yourself, Raymond”
And that sounded stupid to me because I was standing right infront of them. It almost made me want to say,
“Here I am”
In outward sarcasm. But I get it now, I truly do. Finding yourself is far more than something someone tells you. It’s about finding who YOU are. Let me give you an example:
I truly know who I am!
Raymond loves writing, he loves capturing his audience in jaw dropping emotional writing spoken from the heart. He loves photography, loves learning, totally loves chocolate, can be known to dabble in Photography! And absolutely loves fiddling about with new programs on his computer.
A snapshot of me, right? How do I know this? I’ve tried it all. I went out and tested out what I liked and didn’t like. I’ve always wanted to learn Astronomy, turns out I’d rather watch paint dry when I tried it. But that’s fine, I just dabbled in another interest of mine. I settled with photography. I lurve photography.
I found myself.
I carved out my own hole to fit in.
After that? Well, I generally began to know people I’ll like and people that I won’t have any time for in life. There’s nothing bad in that, it’s just sometimes you get to know the people that you won’t enjoy being around. And you learn to avoid them. I didn’t know before I found myself, I’d friend everyone and anyone. I’d date everyone and anyone.. at my own expense. Sometimes you just have to be better in tune with yourself to better yourself..
And from there I met my wife.. And she wowed me. Like super wow.
She’s the most intelligent, compassionate, patient and outwardly loving person I know. I wouldn’t have met her if I hadn’t started to work on myself. I’d still be sitting there oblivious, blaming the world for my problems and never taking any action on myself.
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