My biggest crippling fear
As a younger male, I was scared of my own shadow. The slightest hint of an angry person and I’d run screaming in the other direction. It stemmed from a life of angry fathers and controlling friends. I liked to maintain the happy balance. I was a happy child. I couldn’t understand why everyone couldn’t just be happy too. I hated it tell the truth. Perhaps I still do now in some form.
I’m not afraid of much now. Heights, perhaps, but that’s more of a phobia than a fear. I think fears and phobias exist as two separate entities. I’ve conquered most of my fears as it is today. I no longer fear angry people, and I have been in a few heated arguments in defence of my wife in the past year or two. I no longer fear not being accepted. This was a HUGE one for me. Being accepted was right in the epicentre of my fears and fuelled all the other social fears that I had.
People call me fat and I agree with them. I have no ego – it no longer matters to me what random people think of me, apart from friends. My friends weigh a great deal on the personal opinion scale, yet I can take criticism, and I can take tough, personal criticisms of the soul – so I’m not afraid of that either.
I no longer fear being alone – I love myself and who better to spend time with than a person that I love. I’m alone right now whilst I write this. Natalie is watching TV in the next room. I spend a great deal of time alone when I’m working, as a writer, I need that space to write. But it doesn’t mean that I neglect my family. I make them tell me if they feel that way.
I no longer feel physically shamed in the way that I did previously, trying to hold up an image for others was like bearing the weight of a thousand super-suns. No, I’m happy as who I am. Yes, I’ve gained weight, and yes, I need to lose some. But for me, and no-one else. Maybe Natalie too, she’d like to see me lose.
I don’t fear change. I don’t fear spontaneousity and the loss of control that comes with it. I just ride that wave to safety. I roll with change, adapting my ways to fit the trends rather than fighting against it. And I no longer fear too much control and the delicate balance between give and take that accompanies leading someone or a group.
I don’t fear much. I’m quite hardcore.
What I do fear, is that
I’ll never achieve anything more from now.
I’ll get so stuck in my ways and lazy that motivation to do anything apart from watch movies, TV and play games will be all that I do. That I’ll plod through life being a nothing and matter to no-one. That when I die people with forget about me in a month after my funeral. People won’t say, “He was a visionary” – they’ll say, “Yeah, he was an ok guy. He kept himself to himself”
And what do I do to counterbalance this? I never stagnate. I keep up to date with trends, I write, I engage and I help people. I continually ask my wife how I can improve our relationship – what gets her down, how can I do it better? I’m always trying to improve my relationship with my son. It never ends. I try to never stagnate.
So hopefully, my biggest crippling fear will never materialise. Because I’ve stagnated years ago. And no-one cared.
I don’t want no-one to care.
I hope you do!
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