Sex can seem overly complicated. Conflicting societal expectations, diverse individual preferences, and our own mixed feelings can make a simply great sex life seem unattainable. But a simple approach is possible. Follow these five steps to get on with getting better at getting off. Regardless of your relationship status, better sex will come your way.

1. Embrace

The first step to the best possible sex is to embrace yourself, your sexuality, and the sexuality of your partner. Learn to love yourself, especially your body. Accept everything that turns you on without feeling ashamed and without pressuring yourself to act on it. Open yourself to everything that turns your partner on without feeling threatened or assuming it will come between you.

We all have unique bodies far more beautiful than any traditional ideal can dictate. We all have complex sexualities far more colorful than what our culture calls sex. In a great relationship you should feel safe and free to explore and enjoy sex in every way you wish.

2. Fantasize

As you work on accepting yourself and your sexuality, allow your mind to wander freely around the images, stories, and scenarios that get you excited. The best thing about the fantasy realm is that you can do anything you want there without worrying about the implications in your real life. You don’t have to talk about or act upon anything from your fantasies unless you choose to do so. So let yourself go! Exploring your fantasies boosts your sexual imagination, primes your mind and body for pleasure, and helps you come up with new ideas you can safely explore in real life.

3. Talk

Given our diverse feelings and fantasies, it’s essential to be able to talk openly about sex with your partner. Share your turn-ons, hang-ups, and desires. Keep communication open and accepting with a focus on understanding one another and doing what works best to give you both pleasure. Contrary to killing the mood, talking can help heighten the mood. It can be an exquisite form of foreplay, building tension and excitement. It can alleviate tensions and fears, letting you go at it without inhibitions once you hit the sheets. And it will definitely help build your sexual repertoire as you share new ideas and preferences.

4. Do It

Along with all the inner work of embracing and fantasizing, and the collaborative work of open communication, to have great sex you have to get to it and have great sex. Do it without waiting for the perfect time, the perfect state of mind, or the perfect plan. Do it to try something new no matter how it turns out. Do it to relieve stress, to help you sleep, or just to see if you can do it every day for a month. Do it entirely to please your partner, or to let your partner do nothing but please you. The more you do it, the more ways you can do it, and the more opportunity you have to make it better and better.

5. Get Help

Finally, if any of the above steps pose significant challenges for you then get help. Body image issues? History of abuse or trauma? Relationship problems affecting your sex life? Get help. Read books. Seek counseling. Consult a sex therapist.

Remember that you deserve to have an amazing sex life, and if something is in the way of that, then there is help available. Even if you don’t have any sexual difficulties, it’s essential to keep seeking new insights and ideas to help you have a better sex life.

Kyle is a dedicated nurse, wandering traveler, and lover of happy relationships. He spent many years online dating before finding his perfect partner to whom he is now married. Kyle is the K in E&K XO.

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