You have just discovered that your partner has cheated on you.  You are devastated by this news.  Your marriage is now in a state of crisis and it might be destroyed.  You are thinking about filing for divorce in Texas because of adultery.  However, it is still possible that you might be able to work through things and end up stronger and better than ever.

You might still be hoping that your marriage will survive having your partner cheat on you.  However, whenever you start thinking about the affair, you feel sick on the inside still.

It is perfectly natural to want to understand the reason why your partner has cheated on you.  However, there isn’t any simple answer for why somebody is unfaithful.  It might be a symptom of some other problem you have in your marriage.  Or it might be something that relates to your partner’s past, or it might be something that is completely unrelated to your marriage or you.  You might never really know why this occurred.

  

There are some things that you can do to help you get past your hurt so that you can forgive your partner who has been unfaithful to you and save your marriage.

It is very important that you don’t make any major decisions when it comes to ending your marriage right now due to the fact that your partner has cheated on you. It is time for you to reflect on your marriage to discover what other problems in addition to the infidelity need to be identified and dealt with.

Remember that there is nothing right or wrong about feeling. Accept the fact that your feelings of confusion, depression, pain, fear, agitation, shock, uncertainty, and rage about having a partner who has been unfaithful are normal.  For a couple of months, you are going to be on an emotional roller coaster and it could be even for one or two years.

 

Do the best you can to take good care of yourself.  It is possible that you might have physical reactions to your partner’s infidelity such as overeating or not wanting to eat, having a hard time concentrating, shakiness, sleep problems (either too much or too little), diarrhea, or nausea.

The key to surviving this experience of dealing with infidelity is balance.  Force yourself to have some fun, drink lots of water, exercise every day, sleep regular hours, stay on a regular schedule, and eat healthy foods.

It is fine to laugh. Spend time with friends or family who help make you smile. Watch funny TV shows or movies.  Life will still go in despite having an unfaithful partner and going through heartache.

Tears are also healthy.  If they don’t come naturally, then watch a sad film or listen to some blues music.  You might feel more numb; however, it is very important for you to also get in touch with those underlying emotions that you have.

Start a journal. Write all of your feelings and thoughts down about the unfaithfulness of your partner.

Ask as many questions as you want to.  Discuss the infidelity with your partner.  However, you might need to accept that your partner might not know why they cheated or might not want to tell you.

  

See a counselor. Don’t attempt to get through having to deal with unfaithfulness by yourself!  However, also don’t tell everybody you know what an unfaithful jerk your partner is.  Carefully choose who you share the information with.  When you know what kind of infidelity it is, it can sometimes make it easier.  One thing that counseling can do it help you get answers to your questions.  Was it an affair or one-night stand?  Did it come after or during a life crisis?  Is it possibly a sexual addiction?  What is retaliation?  Did this cheating take place in order to end your marriage? No matter what, this might be the most important time of all to seek out professional help.   

Take everything one day at a time.  Your partner and you should be tested for STD’s and AIDS/HIV before resuming sexual intimacy without any protection.  Think about what boundaries you are going to need your marriage to have in order for you to stay married.  You may want to contact an attorney and have a postnuptial agreement drawn up.

It is important that your children know that you will be fine.  You can’t hide that you are going through trauma or serious stress.  The best approach might be, to be honest with your children, depending on how old they are.  However, don’t burden them with a lot of details.  Don’t make any promises you can’t keep either.

Try to not get into a blaming game when it comes to what or who caused the infidelity.  That will just end up wasting your energy.  That includes blaming a third party as well.  It isn’t going to change anything.  Think twice before telling your partner’s family or yours about the affair.  Family members can sometimes hold grudges for a very long time.

You might be suffering from post-traumatic stress.   If you feel as if you are walking on eggshells, yell at actions that are trivial, are jumping, or keeping having physical reactions whenever you are reminded somehow of the infidelity, then visit your doctor as soon as possible.  It may be a good idea to take medication, even if it is just temporarily.

It does take time to get past the pain of your mate having been unfaithful.  Don’t expect your mixture of feelings, of mistrust, confusion, and being limbo to go away simply because you have tried forgiving your partner and are committed to saving your marriage.  That doesn’t mean that you can’t renew your marriage and strengthen it, because that is still possible.  However, it is going to be different. Keep in mind that your marriage is now changed.  You are going to need to be able to grieve this loss.

Be practical.  Look at your transportation, housing situation, and finances.  If you make the decision to end your marriage, you will need to think out ahead of time whether or not you have enough money for paying your living essentials and where you are going to live.  If you aren’t sure whether it’s the right decision or not, then seek counseling for guidance.

Things NOT to Do If You Have Been Cheated On

DON’T rush into any long-term decisions when you are in the early stages of your healing process.  That includes making major life-changing decisions like whether or not to leave with your children, file for divorce, move out, or break up.  The rule of thumb here is for no major changes during the first six months of your healing and recovery process.

DON’T try fixing a problem by using sex. Although sexual intimacy might feel good and seem intimate during the moment when sex is used this way it can lead to mutual denial being formed that moves your partner and you away from the healing process.

DON’T look for romance or sex as a way of “getting even.”  Trying to get even will only feel good for a couple of minutes while you are doing.  In the end, it will usually bring disaster.  It is a very poor decision to seek out love and sex to manage your resentment and hurt and will only make things even worse for you and your partner. 

DON’T make any threats you aren’t intending on carrying out.  If you say to your partner that any addition cheating will result in you leaving, then be prepared to pack your pages and leave when or if she or he cheats again.  Others, your credibility will just be diminished.  Usually, it is better to not make any threats in the first place.

DON’T take the blame for the actions or your partner or stick your head into the sand.  If you are invested in your relationship, you will have to face the facts of the infidelity of your partner.  Pretending that the problem is just going to go away definitely won’t make things go away and blaming yourself won’t either.  Nothing you didn’t do or did cause the infidelity.  It was a choice that your partner made to decide to cheat.

Laurence is a person who works for a law firm as consultant/counselor. He is usually the one who performs counseling for couples who are planning to be divorced. He has already satisfied clients all over America.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Laurence is correct that it’s good to proceed slowly and intentionally with life changes, but sometimes it’s best to just jump ship on a failed relationship, without dragging out the process of becoming slowly separated, estrainged, or divorced.
    It can be a true waste of time to be unreasonably participating in attempts at reconciliation that are (or clearly seem to be) doomed to failure, if one party isn’t really interested in doing the enormous amount of work that’s required to patch things up enough to make the relationship strong and vital again.
    It’s better to be FROM a broken home than IN a broken home.

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