Are you a Narcissist? And how to heal
Are you a Narcissist? It’s taken me at least ten years to get to where I am now. From the first “aha-moment” to right now whilst I write. Healing is a long, long process and don’t expect this article to do anything but raise your awareness a little. Change starts with you my friend. Change starts with you.
Today I was reading a lovely little article on Narcissism from a lovely lady blogger at Lucky Otter’s Haven and it struck me that my dad was a Narcissist and literally all of the friends that I associated with in the past had signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (that’s a huge sentence so we’ll call it NPD for short for the rest of this article). I thought to myself for a little while and it occurred to me that I hadn’t written anything of the sort on this subject yet. So this is it.
When you read this don’t think of it as OMG I literally have the plague, everyone hates my guts. Think of it more as you’ve had a traumatic past and certain life events have played out in a fashion that have led you to feel and be this way. It’s literally not your fault. Don’t do nothing though! Bad stuff happens when you do nothing.
Signs you may be suffering from NPD
- No one understands how you feel. Literally no-one. And that’s because you don’t let them anywhere near your deeper thoughts and feelings. Why would you? You feel that they’d absolutely despise you if that were the case. And I don’t mean that silly thing you did last night; I mean those hidden depths of you that makes you cry inside every time you think about it.
2. You feel more clued up, better and wiser than all of your friends around you. You sort of pity them to an extent; poor people, it’s tough being them.
3. You feel that any attempt from your friends to help you as a scuffle for the throne. You’re not weak, they are. You must show them that you help them, not the other way around.
4. More than likely you have a problem with drugs or alcohol but you deny that you have because you feel that you can stop any time you want to. But you’ve never tried before.
5. You cannot handle and absolutely abhor not being in control. When people do something that you disagree with or can’t see the sense of; you see that as a personal attack rather than them just trying to pave their own journey. And almost always you will try and change their minds.
6. Trust in intimate relationships is hard. Your partner is obviously cheating on you. She must be. Everyone cheats. Because you do it all the time.
7. You give out all the time; money, favours, help. But you have absolutely no problem shoving that back in their face when things are going wrong. Typical example: “You have to do this for me, look at all what I’ve done for you in the past. X, Y & Z.”
8. You are SO frustrated with everyone when they don’t fall in line with what you want; you punch the wall, you break things, you may even turn your attention to the person by using their face as a clenched-fist-stopper.
9. You don’t make friends or relationships with people that have huge family and friend support networks; you are more attracted to people with few friends, are shy and don’t like themselves very much – you have come as their cure!
10. You can’t see the positiveness in the world; you struggle and you don’t like it when other people are happy and you’re not. Even this article, it’s probably written by some jumped up twat that really has NO clue what you’re going through and you’re ready to dismiss it as a pile of crap
As I say with all my lists – these aren’t exhaustive but, it’s only an article and like I say it’s not an essay!! But that should give you a basic insight into the mind of someone with NPD.
So how do we tackle this? There’s a lot of really good articles from people that have greatly suffered at the hands of someone with NPD; but it ends there. (I know my variety isn’t extensive though!) I’ve yet to read something that’s empowering for a person to change; like my Dad never had the chance to. He was ready to change, nearly. But the alcohol got him. When my Son was born we saw a glimmer of hope, a new man. But, alas it was only for a year of his life. His liver failed.
Ideas to kick the absolute shit out of NPD
- Keep a journal of all the situations you’ve found yourself in that make you angry. Write down how you reacted, how angry you were and then perhaps a couple of hours later revisit that. And then see if you can think of a way that you could have better handled the situation
2. Let your friends help you. I know, it makes you feel weak. But sometimes there is extreme strength in knowing at times you need help and are able to ask for it. So ask your friends to help you work on something that you’ve been doing. Car? Blog? Hobby? Ideas? Anything! Get help and lots of it. It’s hard, but recognise that asking for help is strong. (also, don’t tell them it’s because you’re bettering yourself – tell them it’s because you appreciate them as friends)
3. If you have a serious-partner slowly admit your deepest darkest secrets. Talk about them. Those things that make you run for the hills. There is something intoxicating about your partner finally knowing “you”
4. If you’re cheating on your partner. Stop. That’s not a proper relationship if he/she doesn’t know about it. Make a list of all the reasons why you want to stay with your partner. Stick to them
5. Give something to a friend frequently and never hold it against them. Money, your time, your help. Never ever ask for it back or remind them of it, never. Even when they are being nasty.
6. Stop using alcohol and drugs as an emotional dampener. Emotions were meant to be felt. Embrace them.
7. Seek professional help – honestly, you can’t do it by yourself. I did. 10 years later I’m an entirely new person
8. Take up a heavy activity sport like boxing / running / martial arts to channel the anger; people don’t want to be at the end of it. Expend it all punching a bag or karate chopping your opponents in competition.
9. Get to know diverse, happy and empowering individuals. These people will embrace you and stick with you through your journey. No, they are not better than you! And neither are you better than them. Life isn’t a competition.
10. Stop seeing life as a competition; let others win. Be happy for them, share their goals in turn you’ll find the same people being happy for you.
And that’s it for now. Change starts with you my friend. These are really handy tips into the right direction. It’s always hard because of our circumstances but sometimes we just need that little push to be the inspiration to those that follow.