Dealing with jealousy at the beginning
So you’re in a lovely new relationship with your beautiful new partner. He or she is everything you expect in a person right down to the finer points. Wow, you’ve never been so happy before. And then, you have to get to know their dreaded ex. Yeah, it can be pretty daunting having another partner on the scene especially when there are ties than can’t possibly be broken, for example a young child. My Mum had to deal with my Dad for twenty-six years more than she definitely would have liked to because of my existence. She hated it, and perhaps it caused a strain on her “other” relationships, but I’ll never know.
You see, when we break out into a new relationship we take on the responsibility of a whole other life and the baggage that comes with it too; the good, the bad and the seriously ugly. Yet, in a new relationship there will never be that solidity that you have in a long term relationship. So when the ex-partner comes on the scene you’ll be curious, curious and perhaps jealous because you really don’t know your new found love interest inside out yet. You don’t know how they feel about the ex and where they place YOU on their food chain.
I’ve been the fall guy before. The relationship rebound where one uses you as a mere stop gap. A tool to be used and then thrown to the side whilst they wait for their partner to come to their senses, or the other way around. It’s always quite frightening and we need lots of re-assurance that this is not the case.
In my opinion there are ways of dealing with your jealousy because the issue is yours. You can talk to your partner about the situation, how it makes you feel and what is going through your mind. In my head there is absolutely nothing wrong with this because it’s communication at the end of the day. Good communication is the foundation of all solid relationships in my opinion. Then your partner has the opening for communicating how they feel. They might reassure you, they might not – just make sure you keep those lines of talk clear and they know how you feel all the time.
Jealousy in my opinion is a useless emotion. I have grown a lot over the last ten or so years. When I first got together with my [now] wife I would always feel horrible every time she talked with or engaged with another man; yet I did recognise that these were my own issues. After a lot of work and building upon my insecurities I now feel that if I was to start feeling jealous I would immediately tell her and I am sure that she would rectify her behaviour to make me feel more comfortable. It’s what partners do. However, that being said she hasn’t ever given me cause to feel jealous at all, ever. My jealousy was irrational at the time. But that’s another post.
Like I always say and I always will say. Communication, communication, communication. If you do not tell your partner how it makes you feel that they go off with their ex every now and again to sort out kid related stuff then how will they know? How will they know that you’re slowly dying from the green monster inside. Whenever you feel there is a problem in your relationship tell them! Tell them now.
Also, can I just say that if you were to communicate your feelings and your partner was to say, “I can’t deal with this shit. I’m out” then on the bright side you did yourself a favour – now you know that your partner and you aren’t a great match. And that is their problem and not yours. Because you were willing to give it a try. Think Abundance – 6 Billion men and women out there to date. That’s a lot of people. Don’t get tied down to one unworkable relationship.
Hope you enjoyed this. I’ll talk next time 🙂