This is Day 10 of the 30 Day #LinkYourLife Challenge – Dear Mum. I forgive you
Day 10: Write a letter to your mother/father/sister/brother telling them something new.
Dear Mum. I forgive you.
I know you’ve been going through a hard time. You’ve been going through a hard time constantly since I was born. It wasn’t easy being a single parent for most of your life. I say most of your life because Dad was never there. He’d come in, have dinner, then leave you with me whilst he went to the pub. And that’s not all. There were Christmases he would spend in Britain whilst we were alone in Russia.
With no-one. Just you and I.
Then there was the time when you had to realise that you weren’t the only woman in Dad’s life. That must have been hard. And realising that whilst we were alone on Christmas, Easter and our Birthdays he was celebrating them with another woman. I can only imagine how that could have hurt you. The pain you must have been feeling.
How brave it was for you to just get up, pack our things and move back with your Mum and Dad. He thought he had us cornered. He thought he had a nice little cove in Russia, with little obedient you, waiting for him to come home. You were brave, and you should be proud of that.
And I know I constantly complain about my youth and how hard it was for me moving from pillar to post and house to house. Making new friends and then having to abandon them. But I was a child then. You protected me from everything. I had no idea how it could have been for you when the man of your dreams promised you the world yet delivered nothing. It was hard trying to find not only yourself a lover but for me a suitable role model. Only to find out the strong, muscly man and budding father figure he pretended to be was merely a coward in an inflatable suit.
I know you told me that Dad was back in my life again. How exciting that was for me. You could see it in my eyes, yet you tried to protect me, you tried to warn me. But I couldn’t see it. You had to silently watch from a distance whilst he slowly destroyed me from inside. And it upset you. To tears on occasion.
You sat and watched as I slowly self-destructed when John died. There was nothing you could do. Only watch. That was hard. To watch your Son destroy himself over grief. A good man, who was a thousand times the man that my Dad was, yet life had taken him away from us. The sadness that befell our family. You and I, once more.
You could help but tell me “I told you so” when Dad failed on his promise to Thailand, failed on his promise of a Job, and so, so many other things. You told me, Raymond. Be very cautious of your Dad, Son. You hated it when I’d get angry and defend him. Dad had that effect on me. Even my wife has said so. She said, “Your Dad fucks you up, honey. Every time you’re on the phone to him, afterwards, you’re a different person”
And you watched as I slowly destroyed myself in the hospital, day after day. You tried to communicate with me. But day by day I was getting worse, a lost cause the doctors pegged me as. I was sick. Yet you visited me every day.
Every god damned day.
And after the hospital, you let me live in your house, rent free and gave me money to go abroad. To have a life. To feel somewhat normal again. You were the only proper parent I ever had. Truly had. I know I complain sometimes, but I know I’m gifted, lucky.
So when you tell me, “Ohh I really regret [x}” or “ohhh I really hated that I allowed [x] to happen” there isn’t many words on this earth that can express how much I forgive you. Like, I shouldn’t even be forgiving you for it. You were there for me. You picked up my tears, you cuddled me when I needed it, and you gave me love when I needed it. That’s all a young boy needs. Don’t even think you need forgiving because you don’t. You did the best that you could in the circumstances you were dealt with and that’s all that I can ask for.
If I’m half the parent you were I’ll be happy.
Dear Mum, I forgive you. Thanks for reading.
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