I remember the first time I heard his voice clearly.
He had existed for a long time but I remember it being the first time I actually heard him as a different voice than mine. It was persistent, constant, and terrifying.
I was tired after a long weekend of dancing, staying up until the early morning hours, and binge drinking. Slumped in a heap on my closet floor I clung to my phone talking to one of my closest friends.
“I don’t know what is wrong but something is definitely wrong. I feel like I am going crazy.” I said through anxious tears. As I spoke I could hear the voice underneath all my words.
YOU are crazy
YOU are a TERRIBLE mum
YOU are TERRIBLE friend
Your friends should TOSS you away
YOU ARE TOXIC
This voice steadily convinced me that my closest friends were actually my enemies. Over time the voice had me gathering evidence to support his claims.
They want to hurt you
They think you are dumb
They laugh behind your back
And the evidence started pouring in. I could find inconsistency in almost everything they said. They were keeping secrets and lying to me. I remember one moment very clearly, and that moment changed everything. Catching someone talking to someone else about me in a negative way never feels good. It feels worse when it’s your best friend.
I never looked close at motives before the voice had started. Does that mean the voice is good? No… I would have seen the truth eventually and I believe I would have been far less devastated than I was that day. I reacted in ways that were very out of character for me.
I had started connecting dots that weren’t there and even making up scenarios as if they were true. I wasn’t sleeping because I spent all my time ruminating on every conversation I had that day. I was experiencing manic depression and eventually paranoia due to lack of sleep.
So there I was in my closet floor crying to another friend. There was nothing my friend could say that day to help me because the problem wasn’t necessarily situational as much as it was the beginning of my mental illness. I learned later that drinking (especially binge drinking) exacerbates depression. It would be another 6 months before I started to realize I needed help.
I waited so long I could have lost my life.
From my experience, If you are experiencing moments of severe sadness to the point you feel worthless and overwhelmed constantly then you may just need to stop doing certain things and get some good sleep. Or you may need therapy and medication. Either way… you really do need to get help. Your own brain will turn on you and become a terrorist. Don’t make the mistake of believing you can tough it out. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it will pass or the next low could be your last.
Hastywords is an anxiety driven over-analyzer. With a mind full of rainbows and devils she began giving her thoughts a way out of her head by writing poetry. Writing began as therapy for her depression and helped her gain perspective by putting her tears and laughter into words! You can follow her journey on her personal Blog Hastywords.
She has written two books The Darker Side of Night and Depression’s Dance which can be found on Amazon.
Darker Side of Night – Modern day poetry from the shadowy corners of an overactive imagination. Whether we embrace the night or we fear it, one thing is for certain: almost anything can be hiding in the dark. Take a peek at what is hiding in wait.
“I found this extremely raw and emotional and at times even haunting. The writer has no shame or hesitation in sharing her vulnerability with the reader. It’s endearing and inspiring. Loved it all. A must read!~ Anthony Ortalano”
Depression’s Dance – Depression has a way of sneaking into your life and before you know it you are caught in a dance you can’t cut away from. This is about my dance with depression complete with the moments of desperation as well as the moments of hope.