My life of hatred
Have you ever disliked a person SO much that every single minute detail of their every movement is dissected and made fun of? I have. I’ve even went as far as to try and destroy what the person that hurt me holds dearest. Not a pretty sight! You see, I was an angry man. And anger flowed through my veins like the mouth edge of the river Nile pumping into
the Mediterranean sea. I had been hurt, been kicked when I was down, and had my heart ripped out and stamped on in front of me.
It’s not just one person I speak of, oh no, that would be too easy. People would constantly let me down throughout the entire existence of my life. There would be excuses, and lies and some brutal honesty but it was always a way of letting me down. Why did I deserve this? Why me? What have I ever done to deserve this? There will be payback. Oh yes; payback in the form of an angry face subtly disguised as a happy open face as I plotted their demise to my level.
Did it REALLY need to be that difficult?
This is how I lived my life from day to day. I look back and feel bad for myself that I put ‘me’ through all that trouble. You see, life really didn’t need to be that difficult. And it was SO painful, clutching onto all that stinking black hatred that had congealed inside myself. You see; I wasn’t just angry at them, I was woefully angry at myself.
You can never tell at first when the anger seeps in, not when you’re really young anyway. And if it’s all you’ve known then how will you know the difference? I was mainly angry at myself for ending up in situations that would end up in failure. And when failure happened, boy would I take it out on myself. Drinking, boozing, drugging, lashing out – you know, the usual emotional dampening stuff. I often wonder if it had something to do with my never-ending uneasiness with my Father. That I would end up repeating the cycle of forming and breaking down friendships without consciously being aware of it.
My perceptions of raw anger
To me, being angry at yourself is a form of self-hatred. When you’re not comfortable in your own skin. When you are over-judgemental about your own actions. You can see it everywhere today. You don’t need to venture far to find Facebook and the inevitable self-hatred that spews from every orifice of that damn application (That’s not to say I haven’t met a lot of very good people on there!). When you are a victim of self-hatred I find you tend to attack yourself in different ways. Some people unknowingly sabotage relationships and friendships, other people lash out and get angry at that smallest of things, the list goes on and on and on.
Is it REALLY that simple?
When you are in an angry frame of mind you tend to hold ever lasting grudges. I did. Until I actually asked myself what would life be like if I actually forgave this person? For one thing I wouldn’t be angry at them any more, and later I would spend time repairing our friendship. That seems like a Win Win to me, right? (Not angry any more) + (1 new friend) = happiness. The maths doesn’t lie. Of course there’s always “What did they do to me to make me angry?” to figure out if it is worth saving friendship. But more than 95% of the time I had a bruised ego and nothing more. If it isn’t worth saving then let the person go. Stop thinking about them, move on. You’re better than that.
Move on my friend
Moving on is such a great feeling. By moving on you can extract all that is negative about your life and leave it behind, not caring, leaving it in an era which is long gone and long forgotten. However, that being said never move on when there are still unresolved issues, things to be said or done – because they will follow you until the day you die. No-one ever solved anything by brushing it under the carpet. I doubt Einstein never brushed any problem he came across under the carpet!
Forgiveness is a blessing to you and the person you forgive. It is a positive emotion, and gives way for more positive emotions. Grudges are negative emotions – why would you want to hold a grudge? That’s like saying “I want to be angry for the next two years” – why would anyone want that? Learn to forgive, learn to forget. Move on!