It’s not you that I don’t trust, it’s them. Dealing with trust issues

I’ve heard people say this a lot. It’s one of those sayings that tippy-toes around the issue of not trusting your partner. Oh no, you trust your partner implicitly and you’ve used it you say? Well, actually you don’t and here’s why. By telling them this you’re basically saying that you think whoever your partner is going out with will try and rape them. Why? Well, if you trust your partner to always make good decisions then the only way the other person will get around this is by raping them. Which is silly, right?

It’s uncomfortable to hear me say this right? Of course it is; when an opinion is challenging the status quo it is always hard to hear. So now that we have challenged this mindset and then getting down to the nitty gritty you basically have some trust issues with your partner, either completely unfounded or totally correct. You see I’ve seen some normal couples get up to some completely zany shit in the past, and I’ve actually been third party to some seriously shady goings on with more than two people. I’ve seen the systematic breakdown of long term relationships between two loving couples based on a lack of communication.

You need to start asking yourself the reason why you don’t trust you partner. It all stems from somewhere, it doesn’t appear and then disappear in the blink of an eye. There are two types of trust issues that I like to think of, or that I have encountered (please feel free to add any or correct me). Please excuse me because I don’t know the correct term for them, I’ve just added my own spin on them.

1. Distrust based on factual issues.

This is quite common in relationships of any standing. He’s been going out more with his friend that’s a woman, she’s been meeting up more with her friend that’s a man. It’s quite natural to be suspect to your partners step out of routine. After all we’re creatures of habit and a step out of routine is unnatural. So the first thing to do is ask them. Communication is the key. Ask them as much questions as you can so that you fully understand the situation. Your partner should be more than accommodating if nothing is up, chances are they’ve just got more on at work, or there has been a change in their friend’s lifestyle too and they’re both adjusting to it.

Watch out for: Anger that you’re asking, and refusing to answer. This could be a sign that they are hiding something. Unless you’re constantly checking on them every 5 minutes – I could understand their frustration.

2. Unfounded distrust

This is distrust based on something that’s not actually happened. That you’re thinking ahead and assume your partner will make a wrong decision even although they’ve been 100% faithful to you in the past. Usually this stems from a neglectful childhood, really low self esteem and the constant need to always be in control. Sorry that this sounds so harsh if you are reading this and feel it is you but what has your partner *actually* done to make you feel this way? I would suggest a good few counselling sessions with a professional

Watch out for: Anger, violence, abuse of any kind from the accuser

As I’ve said before and I will say again communication in a relationship is by far the best way to move forward because if you don’t tackle these issues they never get solved. I remember once upon a time I would sit with my counsellor and moan, and moan about what I didn’t like about my life until she challenged me. “So what are you going to do about it then?”.

The key rule in life is to communicate and take action.

I’m a man that’s been through the pitfalls and elations of relationships in my ever growing quest to better my knowledge in the human condition. I’ve been in the game and around the Internet since 1996 and surprisingly I’m still using it today. I’ve definitely found myself in some weird and wonderful places and I hope to share all of this with you lucky people.

We will be happy to hear your thoughts

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