The Unconventional guide to dating
Let’s be honest. Dating should be unconventional. Because we’re all unique and have our own barriers, limitations and experiences. Yet we all follow the same societal rules in the same format in the same fashion as if it were like a guideline of some sort. I wrote about it in my last post. What if it were unconventional? What if you tried to break the dating norms and be a little different? Does it scare you? What if we acted like it was every other day? What if we didn’t have barriers up and put our best foot forward? What if we didn’t watch what we said? Well, here is my (sort of) hilarious unconventional guide to dating
Do you just want sex? Then to move on to the next unsuspecting soul? Why not just outright ask for it. Save all those countless hours of wining, dining and giving her the world to just crush her dreams in one foul swoop; and just outright ask for sex. Boom!
Can you see yourself Married and having loads and loads of babies with this man? By GOD TELL HIM! A man wants to know what’s inside his woman’s head; so save all those countless years buttering him up and bending to his needs whilst secretly planning an entire family behind his back and just tell him outright. Then he’ll know where he stands, and where you stand for that matter.
Is he checking out other women when he should be focusing on you? Made all this effort whilst he sits there, eyeing up the local candy? Nothing tells your potential partner to stop checking out other women like a hard right hook to the jaw. BAM! Save the emotional blackmail, just get straight to the point.
Does your hot, sexy, tightly ripped man just go on about himself constantly? Does he have the intelligence of a six pack of cigars and the entertainment factor of paint drying? Tell him he’s boring the tits off you, get up and leave.
Are you just trying to cling onto anything that gives you a sniff of interest in true desperado fashion? Tell him/her that “you’ll do for the moment” but you’d like to keep your options open for the time being.
Love playing video games and watching TV? Save endless hours trying to convince your partner that you are the ‘dog walking with your new family along an evening sunkist beach’ type, and just get straight to the point. “Uh, World of Warcraft or COD” If their answer is none of these then tell them to GTFO! 🙂
Do you like to be in control? Make sure you order all of your potential partners food/drinks/coffee for them and WOAH BETIDE them if they even think about making a decision for themself. Nothing like starting as we mean to go on.
Is your potential-partner REALLY lucky to be going out on a date with you? Remind them; make sure you remind them again. Perhaps one more time. In fact, no, make that 10 times. Make sure you stack a wad of notes on the table and talk about her age. A LOT.
Do you love alcohol? I mean love alcohol so much that you just have to drink it every day? GET WASTED. Nothing tells your potential partner more about yourself than a slurry-speeched off your head date with pee rolling down your front. Be sure to fall off your barstool backwards. That should be awesome.
Uh, I forgot
Did you forget you were supposed to be on a date? Too many hits from the bong? Couldn’t be bothered getting up? That’s fine. Just phone them up and tell them you were too busy getting spanked to remember you were having a date. I’m sure they’ll reschedule.
I hope this gave you a laugh! It did me writing it – I guess it stems from a lot of my dating fails. Whatever you do – DON’T FOLLOW ANY OF THIS LIST lol.
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