I’ve always wanted to write something like this because I genuinely think you have to experience Psychosis before you truly can understand the ripple effect it can send through yourself and your loved ones. Watching myself slowly self destruct from the inside looking back; it isn’t a pretty sight.

Psychosis is one of those funny little things that people use as a “buzz word” but I truly don’t think they fully understand the implications, the memories and the long lasting damning effect it has on ones deeper inner workings. It’s really not a word I like to throw around lightly, especially when around someone that I suspect may be experiencing it. It was thrown around like a brick when I was in hospital, and actually, when I hear the word a part of me inside shivers. So, just to give anyone who reads this a bit of an insight; I’m going to detail it through the eyes of the beholder.

Through the eyes of Psychosis – Raymond Baxter

It was a lovely day. The Sun was shining, the trees were looking greener than ever and the birds were chirping their merry song. Today was beautiful. I sort of skipped my way to work this week, noting that last week had been a barbaric free for all at the pub; drinks had been shoved down to 2 quid to make way for the new alcohol. Yep, the pub was getting a much needed re-branding; new drinks, new people. Smashing. I took advantage of that £2, and, thankfully I was on holiday that week because I wouldn’t have been much use. But they know me, I like my alcohol.

Work was as boring and mundane as usual, they came in, I triaged them and sent them off on their merry way. I am a receptionist for a large electronics manufacturer; I tend to work on my own but have other staff come in and see me from time to time. It’s nice, the company I tend to miss, it’s always nice to share gossip stories with a mutual co-worker. Ah well, you can’t have everything as they say. So work was boring, as usual, except, well, except for that man in a long overcoat and black briefcase. He wanted to see my boss. Me being an absolute gangster film fanatic, I always think the worst. “What has my boss been up to?” I giggled to myself.

The walk home was beautiful again, Sun shining, green trees, birds chirping. I can’t wait to relax on the sofa with a good book. I thought again about the man in the long coat and black suitcase. “I wonder if my boss is in trouble”? I pushed it from my mind. Silly, he’s always been a careful chap. Not to worry. I’m being stupid. The final walk home was lovely, people stopping occasionally to say hi to you.

After dinner you were fairly relaxed so you had a nice shower, and sat there in your bath gown reading your favourite book. You love spy thrillers, they rank just as high as mob stories.. but yet you can’t shake the feeling of that guy in the long coat at work. You sit up for a moment. What if? What if he was actually talking to your boss about you?

The sudden realisation hits you hard, nah, it can’t be? Why would he just not come to you if he was looking for you? And what on earth have you done? You’re a good girl. You’ve always been a good girl… buut yet you can’t remember everything you did last week. You do have some black spots and, wait, oh my god. What if you had done something REALLY stupid.

“Wait, be quiet. Calm yourself sister, I think you’re being paranoid and it’s time I went to bed” so you send yourself off to bed in a bit of a daze. “Silly me, what an idiot. God I watch too many mob films.”

The following day at work was really strange. On the walk in to work you noticed that more people were looking at you as you were walking in, some were, laughing? I think it was laughing, perhaps. It could have been mocking? In work your boss was abrupt with you, your colleagues ignored you and the last thing you could do today was concentrate on work. Your boss knew something he wasn’t telling you. He was planning something.. with that man in the long coat. Damn. Had I gone too far last week in a drunken stupor? Had I accidental annoyed someone SO influential as to have me offed? Killed? Bam, two in the head? Now you’re scared. You try to calm yourself, but it just isn’t working.

Walking home was a nightmare, people left right and centre, staring at you. UGH the staring! Am I some sort of superstar here? Does everyone know that you’re going to be offed? Are you in the middle of some ridiculous conspiracy that only you don’t know about?? Why are all these people STARING at me? They must know. They must

Sitting in your house you have absolutely no idea where to turn. You ponder whether to go off the grid or write your last will and testament. You decide to write your last will and testament because you absolutely know these people find you EVERYWHERE, and by the look on everyone’s face walking home you start to think people will recognise you anyway. You phone your Mum and say goodbye to her. Your sweet, loving Mum. If only you treated her better. She sounded really scared on the phone, and tells you that she’s going to ring the Police. but, that will just get you killed even quicker. God damn the Police are about as safe as a Tsunami. You run. Run as fast as your legs can carry you.

Aaaand that’s the general idea of how it escalates when you become Psychotic. However, this is just one instance playing on our fears. I have heard there are other states of Psychosis.

For your further information though: In that story just to clarify a few things:

  • The man in the long coat was a random no-one
  • People were looking at you as they do normally, you are just very pretty. Also, it’s generally worth noting that senses are heightened during Psychosis, so someone can experience something like the look of a person when it may go unnoticed on a regular day
  • Your boss was abrupt because he was having a bad day
  • Your colleagues ignored you because they were really busy
  • You also watch and read too many conspiracy stuff.

I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it 🙂

I’ve also wrote the same story at the Collins Foundation as part of my ongoing community work.

 

through the eyes of psychosis
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I'm a man that's been through the pitfalls and elations of relationships in my ever growing quest to better my knowledge in the human condition. I've been in the game and around the Internet since 1996 and surprisingly I'm still using it today. I've definitely found myself in some weird and wonderful places and I hope to share all of this with you lucky people.

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