Where we go wrong in relationships
I’ve fucked up big style in our relationship before, quite a few times actually. More than I’d like to admit.
Because I’m human.
I think we, as people, or society forget that we’re all human, that we’re prone to the odd mistake here and there every day, that we’re not shining beacons of ultimate perfection. If we don’t communicate, we don’t necessarily understand each others needs as much as we should. I’d love to say that I know the wife inside out, but there just at times I need more information, and if she doesn’t offer that up, then I’m not going to know. I just won’t. I’ll mess up.
And I see it everywhere, women talking to their friends but not sharing that information with their partners. If I annoy my wife I’d like to know. I’d rather she not go and tell her female or guy friends but not offer anything to me, because that in essence isn’t working through the problem. And that’s what a relationship essentially is. It really isn’t an all lovey dovey constant awesome thing like you’ll see on Disney, or the latest Rom Com, it’s hard work. We’re two different people that have never met before trying to work things out together, be compatible, be supportive, be together. And that isn’t easy. One or both have to give way for the other so that you can both meet in the middle.
Whenever I see a status or description from someone saying, “I’m not going to change for anyone” I think to myself, well, they wouldn’t make a good partner! Because any relationship is a meet in the middle, not just intimate relationships. How many times have you had to give way for your friends so that they can do something that you are not usually willing to do? Ask that!
My first brush with compromise, and lesson in respecting my partner was the amount of money I spent on needless things. She’d rather I made a coffee before I went off to work, put it in a flask and take it off with me. I’d rather go to Starbucks and buy myself one. It caused quite a bit of friction in our home at the start, because she was used to saving hard, and only spending when she needed to, and I was used to just letting my money fall through my hands. It’s always been quite a talking point in this house, but alas, we both came to a compromise. I stopped spending as much and watching what I earned, and she relaxed on the tightness on the purse strings.
And that’s a relationship in a nutshell. A constant compromise, and a constant battle to fight off each others demons. It’s not for the faint of heart either, I had a Psychotic episode at the start of our relationship, and Natalie was there, all the time. And Natalie had a difficult Pregnancy and Postnatal depression and I was there every step of the way. Like the Priest told us when we were tieing the knot,
“For sickness and in health”
He didn’t say that for fun, you know!
And as we trudge through the exciting years of the information age, new technology is introduced to us that limits our face to face interaction and opens up wild and new barriers for instant gratification. Don’t get me wrong, I love the internet because beforehand these thoughts were scribbles on a paper, perhaps seen by my Mum or Dad, but now I can finally get them out there, but as well as being the best thing that ever happened to us, it’s also the worst. It opens up new and interesting connections with other people, new ways to voice your problems without ever communicating with your partner, and new ways to practise infedility. It also raises our expectations and gives us instant gratification.
No-one wants to play the long game anymore.
If it’s broke, get a new one.
If it doesn’t work in two seconds, give up.
And if you don’t believe the latter try running a slow website and watch the number of visits you lose out on.
And I fear this toxicity is also boiling over into our relationships. No-one wants to work hard at being together anymore. I shared that sentiment on Facebook once and I was met with a barrage of self-entitled bollocks. I mean I totally get it, I do. Women are feeling strong and powerful and more alive and free than they have ever done, and men are in the lucky position to know and work with these people, and it’s awesome, but no matter which way you cut it, there’s always going to have to be a compromise.
Our technology and lives are fairly new, I mean I was born into a completely different world to what it is now. But we, as humans, haven’t changed. We’re still the same as what we were 100,000 years ago. We still think, act, want and do the same things we’ve always done. We’ve just found new ways in which to do them. And in a world where you can have everything that you want, and at your fingertips, all the time, all day, then it becomes harder to fit in with another person. Less room for compromise when you aren’t used to it!
And that brings me back to the core of this topic. Communication. Communication is key to compromise. How would I know if I needed to act in a certain way if my wife didn’t tell me? How would my wife know that I liked what she’s doing? Or hate it? If I don’t tell her! How will she know that I’m hurt, sad, upset that she acted in a certain way, if I take myself off to my man cave and sulk if I never tell her? And vice versa!
The biggest arguments in my relationship with my wife have been when I haven’t been willing to compromise or keep something secret from her, or both of them! How can you have a successful relationship with that going on in the background!
It’s hard, I know, compromise, owning up to shit and trying to work things out. But it’ll never get better. It only did for us when one or both gave way and talked about it!
And from there I learned respect. Which sort of came naturally,
And that’s a blog for tomorrow, perhaps. Thanks for listening!
Where we go wrong in relationships