Why I am awesome
It’s taken me a long time to get this far in life. A LONG time. I didn’t just get up one day and think, hey, life rules and look over there, rainbows and fluffy bunny rabbits, yay. No, usually my days consisted of drowning at the bottom of a beer glass and hating myself and the people around me. It sucked. It really did.
I was lonely
And I think my friends were too.
People say that you are who you are friends with, right? Mainly our friends are comprised of different components of ourselves, so the friends that we are closer to have more in common with us, or have bigger issues to work through together.
My ultimate best friend in high school had a dad that spent all his time in the pub. Given that I was like a co-joined twin of his back then I was able to see more than I probably should have into his family life. I only but assume he had massive issues with his father. Who knows? And who am I to judge. But perfect! My Dad wasn’t there. He never was. Do you see the connection?
So, there was me plodding through life picking up strangers and meeting with people that mainly had a fair bit of grief and oddity in their lives. I really don’t think I knew anyone that was of level headed thinking at the time. I think most people had issues. BIG unresolved issues.
I think when you start to change your life for the better, then your friendships either grow with you or they are left behind and begin to break off and fade into the distance. I’ve lost a good few people that I enjoyed being in the company of, and greatly respected. However through one thing or another, we have either lost touch or grown apart. Sad, because I do occasionally miss those bonds.
Yet it can be hard to change when we become so embroiled in such toxic friendship circles. We become aware on a deeper level of the effects certain things can have on us, and whilst we try to maintain the status quo within our friendship circles we can often find ourselves becoming one of the outsiders. Sometimes in an attempt to reel us back in. Luckily this didn’t happen to me, my circle was very empowering at the time.
So I sat there, in my cold, dark, house. Lonely. Desperate for someone to reach a hand to me and give me the help that I so desperately craved. Lost in my thoughts, in a snowball of self-hatred and guilt, and not fully realising what I had on my plate.
That I was free to change the world should I want to.
Perspective is everything
Luckily I was lent a hand. And I was given the break that I needed at the time. You see, I was depressed. And to me life sucked dick. I lived in a shit house. Earned shit money. Didn’t have a girlfriend. I wanted one. People were shit to me. And above all, I had no family close. Life was total shit. But I couldn’t see what I did have.
Because when you sit there thinking bad things about your life and concentrating on everything that’s gone wrong in it then that leaves absolutely no room for what you could do with it. And I learned a hard lesson over time.
The biggest enemy to progression that exists is yourself
And it’s not that I didn’t think about being better. I just wasn’t realistic with my expectations.
I sat there and thought I’d love to travel the world. But I can’t do that because I’ll never be able to save up enough money to do that. I work as a kitchen porter and earn £200 per week. How will I save up with that?
I didn’t think of setting out measurable goals for myself. If I was thinking positively and proactively I could have thought of it like this:
- Step 1: I’ll research open University to see if I can get a good education so I can get higher paid jobs. Or just even start at college and work my way up.
- Step2: Get a higher paid job. Save up
- Step 3: Travel
- Timeframe: 5-8 years.
No – sadly I couldn’t see that because I was depressed, and I was useless. I couldn’t see that I could achieve anything I wanted to. A lot of people forget that there are no limits in this world and absolutely anything is achievable if you put your mind to it.
And I was my biggest enemy. But I changed that. I’m now one of my few awesome friends. Me. And I love me. Myself is the only person that I will 100% guaranteed spend the rest of my life with, so it’s better that I start loving me now.
I reconnected with a friend that I haven’t seen in literally years recently. It was sad to hear that he’s a bit down because he’s living on his own and doesn’t have many connections close by. I’ll be reconnecting with him on a personal level often soon because I’m missing in the physical friendship connections too right now. Everyone seems to be so busy with their life, and that’s fine.
He can’t see that he’s a fucking awesome human being. And I can relate. Solitude can do that to a person. Solitude can strip away at the very core of what makes us great people. Human interaction is a necessity in this world. We really weren’t meant to roam the world alone.
So I’ll be observing him over the next few months. I’ll be watching him, and seeing what makes him tick. I’ll be keeping a close eye for any glint of awesomeness I find and I’ll be ripping that the fuck right out of him for the world to see. I’ll gouge that awesomeness out of him like a rusty fucking spoon and serve it to him on a silver platter.
And him? He’ll be my awesome friend like he’s always been. He’ll make me laugh and keep me company when I’m watching an all out action blood and guts film that Natalie really doesn’t like to watch. Or we can rip up the streets in GTA – or go far a damn bike ride. I need a keep fit pal.
Anyway, here’s to rekindled friendships, and an awesome few years!
Thanks for reading: why I am awesome
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