Why I was unhappy
Unhappiness is a state of mind.
I was unhappy because there was a burning desire in me to change the way I was. That the life I had imagined for myself as a young teen hadn’t quite gone to plan. I had imagined big things when I was young, I was good at school, high achieving, and most importantly I was focused when I wanted to be. I had good grades and when I went to college I was the youngest in my class. I had imagined myself in a fortune 500 company working my way to the top, company car, all the benefits and a crowd of women throwing themselves at my feet to just get a glimpse of my broad shoulders or my thick, manly hands.
It didn’t pan out like that though.
No, I was desperately unhappy.
I was unhappy because I wanted to win the race before I had even started. My enthusiasm for high achieving had outgrown my thirst for learning, and ultimately it conflicted with my college. I ended up being bored. No, I wanted it all before I had even began my journey. I hadn’t learned that the journey was the best bit, and the incredible tangents and people that it brings into your life. I wanted to skip the prologue, the narrative and go right to the epilogue. I wanted to retire before my career had started. I failed college, I stopped turning up and exchanged those days for having my own dedicated bar stool in the local boozer.
And through my outward frustration I ended up in a dead end job that quenched my thirst for anything new and exciting, and not in a good way. They sanded me down until I was a shadow of the man that I used to be, never introducing me to anything forward. And before I knew it my life had began a path of stagnation like no other. I hadn’t met the reality that was laid out for me, I hadn’t achieved anything that I had planned for myself. I just stayed the same, on the path of eternity, not achieving anything, not winning at anything. And I was a winner, all through school I was a regular to winning at things! Oh, and the women. Well, I had women falling at my feet alright, but only because I was deemed incredibly nice. They fought in their droves to be my friend, but nothing else. And in the pit of disparity I couldn’t see any olive branch that was held up to my face by interested females. I missed out on quite a bit.
And through the depression I hit the bottle, a temporary solution to an unhappy life I thought, and told myself as I began to drink daily, and in the morning too, that it won’t be forever. It went from bad to worse after that. I seen no out, this was me, this was my lot I told myself. I stopped questioning things, I stopped seeking out new experiences, and truth be told it became that anything out of the natural I would run away from, scared of the experience. Risk was not my friend. Risk is scary. Comfortable was my happy place.
I would read depression blogs on the internet and soak in their warmth, understand that I too, am going through this, it’s an illness and it’s the way I am. I’d cry with the writers, absorb the feelings. I knew it. I understood it. I had failed at my life, but it wasn’t my fault. I totally get this, this understanding.
And no, it wasn’t my fault
But there came a point in my life that I stood up and said FUCK THIS, this isn’t going to be me anymore. No longer am I going to let other people and other things dictate what I do or do not do with my life. Seems like all through my life I’ve just travelled where my experiences have taken me. Well I’m now going to push back a bit.
I got help for the drinking, been 10 years and counting sober now. Turns out drinking was a way to numb my internal anxiety and the strong emotions that I feel. I taught myself many things, and realised learning is a journey and not an endpoint, setting short-term goals helped with that.
I spent one of the coldest winters that year with enough money to heat my house for one hour per day whilst I took myself off to college. My meals, well, you would dread to think what I was eating back then, but I ate. I stopped smoking, drinking and over-spending over the span of my cycle of change. And it was worth it, because now I’m happy. Extremely happy.
The hardest thing for me was recognising that to change career path I had to start from the very beginning. At college, then to University, which was YEARS, years of learning new skills and personal development. Ten to be exact! So here I am, 36 years the wiser for it and loving every minute of it.
Turns out, we are our own worst enemies.
Stop being your own victim and grab life by the fucking balls / pussy 🙂
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