Next up on the podium is a 15 year old lady. She writes to me:
Hi im a teenage girl, I’m 15 and I just recently came out as lesbian to my mom and closest friends. I know some people dont agree with it and think im too young but i am who i am and im happy with who i am and that i know who that is at such a young. My dad dosent know yet cause he dosent live with us and i havent seen him nearly a year and i dont think he should find out over the phone.
Well anyway, I thought I had feelings for my best friend so I told her and she let me down easily but she has been giving me mixed signals. Before the covid-19 thing I told her and the day after I went into school absolutely dreading it thinking she would ignore me . But when i went to school she was stuck to my side and we were sorta alone just the 2 of us all day. Im so confused. Any advice??
Okay, first of all let me tell you that at 15 I absolutely knew what I desired. It can either go two ways at that age in my opinion. Some people will hide it and pretend otherwise, and others, like yourself, will fully come out and say hey – I’m here. This is me. So, well done you. Coming out as different from the cultural norm can often be difficult.
Also, your Dad, if he was anywhere as involved as I am then he might know already. I remember taking my kid to a play area once. I think he was 9. Anyway, we were messing around and he stopped in his tracks. This young girl, same age as him, with a bright red dress on, passed him, and he sat there, jaws wide, watching her every move. From then on in I knew for sure what his sexuality was. But you haven’t seen him for a year? That may be a little different, especially if he wasn’t that involved when he was around. I guess only you will know that.
As for your friend, is she a lesbian herself? Or likes boys? Either way, you’ve been put in the firendzone, my friend. That can be quite difficult especially if you have feelings for her and those aren’t being returned. Believe me, I am the absolute king-master of being in that zone throughout most of my youth. I feel you here. Confusing, mixed signals, but with no idea what’s going on in her mind — it can hurt, right? And sometimes you just want to be close to her even if that means being her friend.
Here’s what you’re going to have to do. And I’ll frame it in both ways if she’s a lesbian herself, or if she’s straight. Because you didn’t tell me her sexuality. Or maybe you don’t know? Hoping that she’s the same as you? I don’t know, being a teenager can be really confusing and terribly frustrating. I feel you.
If she likes boys: You’re going to have to weigh up the advantages of having her as a friend, versus the hurt you’re going to feel over the span of several years of not being in a relationship with her. Would you rather have her as a friend? Or is spending your time with her going to hurt because you can’t have her? I mean this with no malice, it’s just that I know through experience that people’s sexuality is fairly set in stone.
If she likes girls: I honestly couldn’t answer this one for you. I really couldn’t. I would however recommend asking the same question of someone like Arielle Scarcella – she seems to talk a great deal of sense and is probably far more equipped to answer this question for you than I am.
Basically, she’s put you in the friend zone. This is a thing that happens when you are friend worthy, but not relationship material. It’s not a bad thing mind you. Men will cuss the friend zone as something bad, but those are from men that only see women as meat, rather than people with feelings and humanity.
She likes you as a person, that’s a good thing. It means you’re like able. It doesn’t mean you’re undateable mind you – it just means that you aren’t the right person for her. And, I’m absolutely sure there are millions of lesbian girls out there that will love to meet your acquaintance in the future – especially if you go to college.
Hope this helps 🙂