Next up on my ask me anything podium is a 29 year old woman that feels empty inside.
I am 29 year old women.i have a question regarding my relationship. I am in 3 months old relationship. The guy said he loves me a lot and I am his lifeline but I don’t know why I always feel empty inside. He always think about our future marriage but not focusing on our present. I am craving for his time but whenever I tell him about the issue I have he always told me I am wrong and I am always overthinking.i don’t understand what should I do?
I really love this guy and I want my life with him but I don’t know what should I do to save my relationship.
Is really I am wrong?
Really, thanks for contacting me.
What you’re experiencing is common in most relationships. It can often feel like you’re alone in this but the fact of the matter is that there are probably millions of others experiencing the same as you.
Men and women communicate differently. This is a scientific fact. He is probably preparing for your big day, and lost in his planning and projects and getting everything organised. This is how he shows you his love.
In fact we have a similar problem in our own household, which we manage, but of course it does lead to occasional arguments.
I write to you guys and earn the main bulk of our household money online sat in front of my computer — this takes me away from my wife and child, and often I can be sat here all day hustling for more money. This is how I show my wife and son that I love them. I am providing for my family. I make sure that they are financially secure.
My wife, on occasion, would rather I stop and spend some time with her. And I do so — because I recognise that her needs are just as important as mine. So whilst I’m away securing our future, it’s important that I drop back to the present regularly to “check in” with her, and my son.
I’m no woman but what I’ve recognised from my wife, her friends and the other women I’ve known in my life is that they definitely like to feel listened to. Not fixed. Just listened to. So she doesn’t want to know how to have a better day at work tomorrow, she just wants to tell me about her rubbish day today. To feel that I’m with her, experiencing the same as her, you know?
And if both of you aren’t on the same page then that’s when this starts to break down. He doesn’t understand you, you don’t understand him — no-one attempts to understand each other. It all starts with understanding.
So in his mind everything is absolutely fine and he’s preparing you for the most important day of your life. Great, to him he’s doing something amazing. He probably even thinks you’ll be so happy when it happens.
But it’s not, and you’re empty.
So here’s what you need to do. Snap him out of that mindset. You need to bring him back to being in the moment with you — and how you do that is you take his focus away from the future and back into the present.
Stay away from ultimatums, like, “I’ll leave you if you don’t do that” because those are just bad for relationships – they pour petrol on the half-lit fire.
You can sit him down and say something like this (but not exactly like I have said, add your own twist):
“I know what you’re doing is really amazing, and I’m really looking forward to it, but I would like it better if you spent more time with me.”
He may listen, or he may say something like you are overthinking, and to that you say:
“Overthinking? I’m feeling like you just don’t care very much about our relationship”
Whatever you do, don’t let him move the discussion on as if it doesn’t matter and you are overthinking, because he will, and you’ll walk away feeling like you haven’t solved anything. Sometimes conflict needs to happen for a solution to appear.
Also, even if you are overthinking, or worrying too much, or whatever us guys like to say to women these days to palm them off –it doesn’t matter. You are stressing, and that needs attention. Whatever is causing you stress or worry, needs his involvement.
At the beginning when my wife and I were newly married I was the same, always telling her that she shouldn’t worry, always palming her off. But I soon realised that I am supposed to be her emotional crutch and vice versa. When one partner falls, the other picks you up. You see?
So, time you had a discussion with him m’lady, and good luck!