Why are men so selfish?

I was having a discussion with my wife earlier today on the topic of ‘why are men so selfish’. It cropped up as a result of the writers block I had been having for the last few days. We had a good hour long conversation about this topic, and I can quite honestly say it was rather eye opening when I put my ego aside for an hour. I just had to; some of the things she was telling me were quite hard to hear, but necessary I think. If you can’t be openly honest in a Marriage, what can you be, right?

Apparently I’m selfish, as a man, where I put my needs first above our family’s. It sounds harsh me saying that, right? Automatically I assume that you’ll be envisaging me going out with my guy friends, partying and leaving Natalie, home, bare foot and pregnant, right? It doesn’t necessarily mean that I, or any other men are narcissists for that matter. But it’s more subtle than that, far more subtle and I think she holds a valid point.

men and selfishness

Being a selfish man

She was telling me about last week, as an example, where she was finding it hard to scrape me off the computer so that my Son can have his dinner early to set in motion an early bath & bed. To her, this was a no brainer. I should have came down to help, but she had to sit there and wait for me. To me, I needed to get my tasks done before I could come down, and they’d have to wait – I’d make up the time later, it’d be fine (I didn’t, just for reference).

It was interesting what she said because she was taking into account for everyone there, Alex, her, and me. If Alex went to bed earlier he’d get a good sleep, and we’d be able to sit down and relax more with the TV before it’s time to go to bed. But for me I could only see what was in front of me at that specific moment in time. I could only see the work that was needed to be done, rather than finish it up later. I wanted to do it then and there, so it wasn’t hanging on my mind for later. And I look at that and think, wow, I was kind of only thinking about myself there. So my question to myself, ‘why are men so selfish?’ was being slowly answered

Is Selfishness in Men instinctual? Or is it learned?

And she has me thinking now, the wife, not only how I can better manage this, but where it stems from. Is it how I was brought up as a kid? Or is it instinctual? Or a bit of both? I was an only child, and lived on my own for a good 10 years afterwards, so I’m more selfish in some ways than most. I try all the time to amend my selfish behaviour because I know it’s landed me in hot water in the past. Yet this subtleness, it’s something I’ve never even considered before. My wife thinks it’s instinctual for the man to be selfish like such. If we analyse our primal times, way before speech and civilization, it was the man’s duty and place to eat first because he needed the energy to go out and hunt. Now we eat with everyone. In our household our Son receives his dinner first.

And my wife, she thinks about everyone. She makes sure everyone in the house is catered for before she even thinks about herself. She told me this and I thought, wow. I mean I married her because of her better than average nurture, it’s amazing. I knew she was naturally gifted in the nurture section already. She was the first woman that I ever felt wholly comfortable around to open up. But she tells me this and I’m taken slightly back. In my mind one has to make sure themselves are good before making steps to healing others? No? Perhaps it’s because I’m an experienced-based healer. I help others through troubled times because I’ve been in that situation before.

selfish men

The Great Question – What do women think when asked why men are so selfish?

But it’s an avenue I’ve never explored before, and as I recollect some things other women have told me in the past before it’s beginning to ring more and more true to me. I have one friend, that tells me sometimes she won’t open her mouth at work for fear of how her place in the social heirarchy will be affected. A grab of the ass, an uncouth and overtly sexual comment is met with a nervous laugh, rather than the due respect that such a comment should be met with. I.e:

“F*ck off you mysoginistic twat.”

And I reflect on that and think wow, again, that’s women not putting themselves first. And when they have the courage to do exactly that, they are met with calls of

“You need a hard cock up your ass”

Or something equally as derogatory.

And when I ask myself the question, “why are men so selfish? And put themselves first.” It comes up constantly, unquestionably, that we aren’t met with much resistance, for now, anyway. And it’s why women are speaking up now. Taking to the streets, campaigning. It’s something we need to think about, clearly, in further depth.

Further thoughts – why are men so selfish?

I must admit it’s opened up a whole new thought process for me that I had no clue existed. I’m more and more understanding the thoughts and needs of women, and I can understand why some of them are fed up. I’m lucky enough to be involved in groups that are mostly women, and it’s helped me understand a great deal. Sometimes knowing the other half of the problem is the route to success, no?

why are men so selfish?

We’re supposed to be an evolved species, no? Let’s start to try and act like one.

By all means, I’m certainly not trying to detract from the struggles of men here, because there are some areas in life where we do have it hard, yet, let’s start trying to focus on both sides rather than one. Listen, communicate, open up.

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I'm a man that's been through the pitfalls and elations of relationships in my ever growing quest to better my knowledge in the human condition. I've been in the game and around the Internet since 1996 and surprisingly I'm still using it today. I've definitely found myself in some weird and wonderful places and I hope to share all of this with you lucky people.

5 COMMENTS

  1. “Okay,

    so I’ve been having a bit of writers block recently and I decided to poke the wife’s idea bank.” <- This is me with Thomas 95% of the time! 🙂 Haha I really like this one, Natalie seems like an amazing lady.

  2. I’m a woman in her early 50s. I was divorced at 30 because I was tired of a one-sided marriage. I’ve dated since then, but not in the last ten years. For a long time I resisted the reductive statement that “men are selfish,” but I give in: They are. They just are. This article puts it well, in that women think about everyone in the room, and men think about what they themselves need (or they think of others only if they think it will score them points). I don’t know whether it’s inherent, social, or what: I no longer care. It just is, and I’m done wasting my time with it.

    I’m pretty open, communicative, fun, and smart, but I’m done being the honest, unguarded, fun one only to discover I was just some opportunistic parking space for a guy who only wants an audience, and whose vocabulary is loaded with plausible deniability. Menopause was like a Get Out of Jail Free card: I can think with my brain now, and my brain is not at all tempted by what it sees. In my single 30s, my married friends felt sorry for me. Now, they envy me. I hear the word “bitter” a lot, but it’s not bitterness – I’m actually a pretty happy person — it’s awareness.

    • I think that’s a great place to be. Who says you need to be in a relationship and happy to get the most out of your life? Society does, but you’re not society. I’ve found that it starts going pear shaped for people when they try to fit in, when in actual fact most people don’t fit in. We’re all wonderfully unique.

      Just remember, there are men out there like me that are trying to listen to what their partners have to say. Yup, I’ll admit that I’m selfish, but I do try! Honestly, I do – and I’m sure there are other men out there trying just as hard as me 🙂

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