why are men so selfish? And women last

Why are men so selfish?

I was having a discussion with my wife earlier today on the topic of ‘why are men so selfish’. It cropped up as a result of the writers block I had been having for the last few days. We had a good hour long conversation about this topic, and I can quite honestly say it was rather eye opening when I put my ego aside for an hour. I just had to; some of the things she was telling me were quite hard to hear, but necessary I think. If you can’t be openly honest in a Marriage, what can you be, right?

Apparently I’m selfish, as a man, where I put my needs first above our family’s. It sounds harsh me saying that, right? Automatically I assume that you’ll be envisaging me going out with my guy friends, partying and leaving Natalie, home, bare foot and pregnant, right? It doesn’t necessarily mean that I, or any other men are narcissists for that matter. But it’s more subtle than that, far more subtle and I think she holds a valid point.

men and selfishness

Being a selfish man

She was telling me about last week, as an example, where she was finding it hard to scrape me off the computer so that my Son can have his dinner early to set in motion an early bath & bed. To her, this was a no brainer. I should have came down to help, but she had to sit there and wait for me. To me, I needed to get my tasks done before I could come down, and they’d have to wait – I’d make up the time later, it’d be fine (I didn’t, just for reference).

It was interesting what she said because she was taking into account for everyone there, Alex, her, and me. If Alex went to bed earlier he’d get a good sleep, and we’d be able to sit down and relax more with the TV before it’s time to go to bed. But for me I could only see what was in front of me at that specific moment in time. I could only see the work that was needed to be done, rather than finish it up later. I wanted to do it then and there, so it wasn’t hanging on my mind for later. And I look at that and think, wow, I was kind of only thinking about myself there. So my question to myself, ‘why are men so selfish?’ was being slowly answered

Is Selfishness in Men instinctual? Or is it learned?

And she has me thinking now, the wife, not only how I can better manage this, but where it stems from. Is it how I was brought up as a kid? Or is it instinctual? Or a bit of both? I was an only child, and lived on my own for a good 10 years afterwards, so I’m more selfish in some ways than most. I try all the time to amend my selfish behaviour because I know it’s landed me in hot water in the past. Yet this subtleness, it’s something I’ve never even considered before. My wife thinks it’s instinctual for the man to be selfish like such. If we analyse our primal times, way before speech and civilization, it was the man’s duty and place to eat first because he needed the energy to go out and hunt. Now we eat with everyone. In our household our Son receives his dinner first.

And my wife, she thinks about everyone. She makes sure everyone in the house is catered for before she even thinks about herself. She told me this and I thought, wow. I mean I married her because of her better than average nurture, it’s amazing. I knew she was naturally gifted in the nurture section already. She was the first woman that I ever felt wholly comfortable around to open up. But she tells me this and I’m taken slightly back. In my mind one has to make sure themselves are good before making steps to healing others? No? Perhaps it’s because I’m an experienced-based healer. I help others through troubled times because I’ve been in that situation before.

selfish men

The Great Question – What do women think when asked why men are so selfish?

But it’s an avenue I’ve never explored before, and as I recollect some things other women have told me in the past before it’s beginning to ring more and more true to me. I have one friend, that tells me sometimes she won’t open her mouth at work for fear of how her place in the social heirarchy will be affected. A grab of the ass, an uncouth and overtly sexual comment is met with a nervous laugh, rather than the due respect that such a comment should be met with. I.e:

“F*ck off you mysoginistic twat.”

And I reflect on that and think wow, again, that’s women not putting themselves first. And when they have the courage to do exactly that, they are met with calls of

“You need a hard cock up your ass”

Or something equally as derogatory.

And when I ask myself the question, “why are men so selfish? And put themselves first.” It comes up constantly, unquestionably, that we aren’t met with much resistance, for now, anyway. And it’s why women are speaking up now. Taking to the streets, campaigning. It’s something we need to think about, clearly, in further depth.

Further thoughts – why are men so selfish?

I must admit it’s opened up a whole new thought process for me that I had no clue existed. I’m more and more understanding the thoughts and needs of women, and I can understand why some of them are fed up. I’m lucky enough to be involved in groups that are mostly women, and it’s helped me understand a great deal. Sometimes knowing the other half of the problem is the route to success, no?

why are men so selfish?

We’re supposed to be an evolved species, no? Let’s start to try and act like one.

By all means, I’m certainly not trying to detract from the struggles of men here, because there are some areas in life where we do have it hard, yet, let’s start trying to focus on both sides rather than one. Listen, communicate, open up.

If you liked what you read and would like to see more of me: Sign up to my newsletter and claim your free ebook.

why men are selfish and women put themselves last
Raymond is a Mental Health activist and cryptocurrency enthusiast. He fuels his activism by taking to the web and trying to create core change in the way people interact. As an ex-Community​ Manager, Raymond has a unique approach to communication and relationships and believes the way forward in life is improving the interactions between one another. Raymond started his blogging activities as a way to heal from a chequered past, and through this, his blog has become something far more empowering than he ever imagined. And thus, The Relationship Blogger Magazine was born.

47 COMMENTS

  1. “Okay,

    so I’ve been having a bit of writers block recently and I decided to poke the wife’s idea bank.” <- This is me with Thomas 95% of the time! 🙂 Haha I really like this one, Natalie seems like an amazing lady.

  2. I’m a woman in her early 50s. I was divorced at 30 because I was tired of a one-sided marriage. I’ve dated since then, but not in the last ten years. For a long time I resisted the reductive statement that “men are selfish,” but I give in: They are. They just are. This article puts it well, in that women think about everyone in the room, and men think about what they themselves need (or they think of others only if they think it will score them points). I don’t know whether it’s inherent, social, or what: I no longer care. It just is, and I’m done wasting my time with it.

    I’m pretty open, communicative, fun, and smart, but I’m done being the honest, unguarded, fun one only to discover I was just some opportunistic parking space for a guy who only wants an audience, and whose vocabulary is loaded with plausible deniability. Menopause was like a Get Out of Jail Free card: I can think with my brain now, and my brain is not at all tempted by what it sees. In my single 30s, my married friends felt sorry for me. Now, they envy me. I hear the word “bitter” a lot, but it’s not bitterness – I’m actually a pretty happy person — it’s awareness.

    • I think that’s a great place to be. Who says you need to be in a relationship and happy to get the most out of your life? Society does, but you’re not society. I’ve found that it starts going pear shaped for people when they try to fit in, when in actual fact most people don’t fit in. We’re all wonderfully unique.

      Just remember, there are men out there like me that are trying to listen to what their partners have to say. Yup, I’ll admit that I’m selfish, but I do try! Honestly, I do – and I’m sure there are other men out there trying just as hard as me 🙂

      • Im an escort so I deal with men that are either too selfish not to cheat, or too selfish for a relationship, etc etc. If they are too selfish with me, I call them out on it. Last night I had a date with a very good looking guy and wed been drinking. I asked if I could stay and sleep it off and he said no! This is the second time Ive had this happen. I straight out called him an asshole and took all his whiskey lol. Thing is if something wouldve happened to me, he can be held criminally liable and I can sue him as well. Not to mention hed lose his job if our date goes public. Men are stupid as well as selfish. If youre that selfish that you dont care about risking someones life, youre scum. Since I cant trust men to be minimally decent human beings when I drink with them, I simply wont drink with them. This will result in a somewhat less fun experience for them, but my safety comes first. Moral of the story; dont make your drunk hooker drive, it can ruin you legally, professionally, personally and it makes you a piece of shit.

        • You’re such an idiot. You were being paid for your time, not to gain the man’s hospitality. He didn’t owe you anything, so you were being entitled. This has nothing to do with being selfish or not. You just can’t differentiate between the two. Also, just because he didn’t want to take care of you doesn’t mean it would’ve been his fault if something had happened to you. You were bitter about things because you expected the circumstance to end differently. Be realistic. Act like an adult and take care of yourself.

        • this entitlement dude is a man and thus, selfish. I wouldnt even be surprisedif this is the author under disguise. Not only is this dude completely egocentric scum, he doesnt know the law. You CAN be held criminally and civily liable for making someone drive extremely intoxicated. Thats my main and factually correct point. And once your job finds out it was a HOOKER that died bc of you, kiss your job or career goodbye. Secondly, the fact that youd make someone drive like that means youre an unempathetic individual. You lose nothing by letting them sleep it off, we are not wanting to be your girlfriend aka free sex toy. Letting any sex partner, casual or not, sleep off drunkeness is only a minimally decent thing to do and those who disagree are probably men, the most toxically selfish neanderthals in existence. So after that fiasco, I no longer drink with clients, I keep it all business. Some dont like it, but thats what yall deserve. Be too nice to a pig n u lose.

        • Not me. Why would I want to pretend to be someone else? I’m pro this type of discussion. I have an ex adult industry worker writing for me.

          I will say though that you might want to widen your perspective on men in general from the people that frequent you. I wouldn’t know where to go or call to find an escort. I don’t think any of my friends would too. And in no means am I judging you — I’m only saying that there are definitely men out there that you haven’t experienced before; in the same fashion as I haven’t met every kind of woman.

          • ha it was you raymond. N im glad im not the one that has to live with you or any other selfish man child slut. oh n nice virtue signaling about the writer.btw, i did a twitter poll about the drunken escort situation and 88% chose to let her sleep it off atleast a couple hours. they agreed w me and the law is also on my side, atleast here in tn. when some scum would rather let me die than have me nap on his couch n calls me childish, unrealistic etc. that really says alot about men. bye bye

        • So, wait? 80% of men would rather let the prostitute sleep it off.. but “all men” are scum? You need to make up your mind my friend 🙂

          It would only be virtue signalling if I didn’t give a shit, which I do care about my authors. The only thing I really couldn’t care less about was your opinion, which is highly reactive at the very least!

          Thankfully I’m not living with you, because anyone that makes such harsh judgements on someone they’ve only read 700 words from — I’d rather not be in the same country as, never mind town 🙂

          • You sound like the one being “reactive” bc either YOU wrote the post or youre defending scum. And yes most men are scum. Theres many ways to be scum, not just making someone drive drunk. Bye!

          • n if you were living with me your pompous fat ass wouldnt make it out alive. Your wife is a saint.

        • Do you ever reflect on your actions? I ask because you seem to be very intent on provoking me into being what you assume all men to be. I’m not going to tell you how to think, be or act, but if you start off any conversation that’s making a stab at anyone then you aren’t going to be readily welcomed with open arms.

          I guess this isn’t your fault though, and perhaps my attitude doesn’t help things – so I apologise for that. I should really know better. My wife IS a saint; she puts up with a lot.

          • that last bit you admit youre a piece of shit. life would be easier if men just admitted it. n bc I dont want to put up with SHIT, I dont want to be a wife. But men just cant handle women disliking them. Sends their whole world in a spin. Yall are helpless without pussy. Its your lifes purpose, your validation, and what you think about all the time. Its quite comical😂😂 now unless u intend to pay me, stop yappin. bye!

        • Validation? Hahaha. Sorry m’dear – you take me for someone that cares what other people think. I chose to continue this conversation with you because I’m intrigued. You have no power over me.

          Just to continue the conversation on reflection. At what point were you going to recognise your own participation in fate? Reading through the previous comments I see everything about what other people are doing to you, and how men are rubbish yadda yadda.

          At what point were you going to recognise your own choices in life?

          I mean for instance polling men on how they’d treat prostitutes is a very forward thinking thing to do.. but they’re still men that regularly sleep with prostitutes. And to be honest (and I care not what you think on this), men that regularly sleep with prostitutes aren’t the greatest men to hold a moral compass against.

  3. Nice blog Raymond! I’ve seen posts where most men will comment to effect of “not all men are selfish! Why do all women generalize?” etc. etc. Just futile attempts at invalidation.

    Your ability to reflect is akin to my own husband’s. He is my best friend, husband of many, many years and an amazing guy, but I still have to call him out on what I refer to as “thoughtlessness” every now and then. However, he is exponentially better (really not even the same universe) than my two loser exes.

    The loser exes were what caused me to make the decision to never date again, and remain single for life. I can definitely relate to Plain Jane Doe. However, my husband gently and patiently broke through my learned resistance to men, and has maintained his worthiness through time. He is a diamond in the rough.

    The fact that you are even willing to consider the topic of men being inherently selfish shows maturity and unselfishness. You listen to your wife’s observations and consider her viewpoint, which is very important to a lasting marriage. Kudos!

  4. U didnt actually answer the question only ramble on. if ur going to touch or discuss something bring something to the table. ur article was rubbish

  5. I think it all depends on how a guy is raised. If he is close to his father and is father is self-centred that will inevitably rub off on him. Also if the company he keeps and connects with are selfish that will also.

  6. All anyone can ever ask if another is open communication and that they try… Nobody is perfect. There are selfish motivations behind women’s”care.” Women gain status among other women by having a husband and children with a house and a ring. Men are right to feel like a pawn in this game sometimes. I am a single woman with no ring and no kids, just s bf I enjoy life with. I am invited to nothing at work and seem as a weirdo. I am poor…why have kids. I know what we make. I know where your husband work. Trust me.. If your wife brings her son to school a hot mess and cranky she will suffer socially. Don’t feel too bad. She has more motivation not necessarily more natural love. You are a good guy. Hope she appreciates you. My bf is the schnitzel too.

    • Thanks! I only touched on the women aspect. You’re right though, there are many things that my wife can do, and is trying to do better herself! It’s all about growth 🙂

  7. Raymond, I feel for your wife. You don’t *try* not to be selfish. You just do it. It’s not a talent or a skill. All that’s required is to give up your jerk personality. You’re selfish because you can because you can get away with it. Slaveowners owned slaves because, for a while, they could get away with it. They knew it was wrong, and you know it’s wrong to rely on women to take on your responsibilities. Grow. The fuck. up.

  8. Being raised around many men (sons, brothers, friends, husbands, father) coming from varying situations, I have come to the conclusion that males are selfish. It’s their nature, especially if you observe boys raised in healthy atmospheres. A balanced woman is usually thinking about everyone and the whole picture. I had a loser ex who wouldn’t change his obnoxious selfishness, poopooing me with attacks and abuse, until I was able to leave him. I remarried another wonderful man who was also selfish but he would see when I explained to him certain behaviors and how it affected me and others, thus, improving our relationship. I have found looking at men as selfish has helped me to deal with them differently and better to explain it to them. Some men are so embroiled in themselves in a world that is very permissive of these selfish behaviors, that nothing any woman can say enlightens them. Others, probably the majority, take note to reconsider their thinking and behaviors. Good article. Kudos to you for realizing there are other ways, probably better, to see your life. Much of my advice on men started with the older generation of women sharing in the kitchen while we cooked together. Women have known these things for millennia. Men brushed off our part in history.

    • I agree. I always listen to her when she tells me these things. I mean, I do try to be better. Thanks for your positive comment. This is my main goal in essence, to get people to think about their behaviours and try and be better as I grow too 🙂

      I love that you said it’s helped you deal with men differently knowing this. I like that. I always say, well, we can sit and complain, or we can do something about it 🙂

  9. Men are selfish…..but I do not blame men for that. Nor do I give women any credit for selflessness. It is a behavior each person adopts based upon reward and punishment which he/she receives.

    A girl will be rewarded for being nice and caring. As a teenager nice girl will be liked by her family members and close friends. A nice and selfless young woman will be considered more marriageable by eligible bachelors.

    On the other hand, boys learn at a very young age that it is more important to be independent and self-reliant than being nice and helpful. A nice but not-so-bright guy will be bullied by others, whereas, a bright guy will be popular even if he is an a****ole. Even the so called nice and selfless girls will like to hang out with a popular guy than a nice and selfless guy (who is more likely to be considered a loser). A selfless but not-so-successful man will not even get a date, whereas a successful guy will manage to marry several times and have number of extramarital affairs….with nice and selfless women.

    Even in history, selfish men and selfless women are praised. For instance, Alexander, Julius Caeser and Mark Antony are praised for their military and sexual conquests, whereas Octavia is praised for taking care of Cleopatra’s children even after Antony rejected her. A man in Octavia’s place would have been laughed at.

    This is what kids learn: Women are rewarded for being nice and selfless, men are rewarded for being successful (even at others’ expense).

  10. It is refreshing to read your blog and the fact you have the courage to speak about the tendency for men to behave selfishly. Men have been conditioned over thousands of years to believe they are the center of the family and the providers. Women, because we have children, are natural care givers and look after the family as a unit. Women also are very aware we are not the physically stronger gender and have had to learn to manipulate to survive.
    The issue today is both men and women provide for the family but we have not evolved to break out from the historical way of life and thinking.
    So as a result men are still conditioned on some level that they are the centre of the universe and their importance far exceeds that of the woman. Caregivers, which is seen as a female role is not valued in society and therefore men do not allow themselves to behave this way.
    The fact you are open to listen and see the world as your wife does speaks volumes to your character. Unfortunately the vast majority of men who are selfish have no desire to listen as that would mean you have to take some responsibility for the behavior. The selfishness has served them well so why would they change? As women, we need to push back and insist on equal work load within the home and where our children are concerned. Empower ourselves to be self sufficient so we don’t have to feel we have to put up with his very unequal way of life. It is exhausting as a women to work 8 hours and then to worry about everyone in the household when I get home. The other issue is the selfishness extends itself to other areas of the relationship that can be very hurtful and difficult to deal with. I am always shocked at how some men do not even understand the most fundamental aspects of respect and consideration and it angers me that I have to spell it out for them.

    • I think that if my wife were working hard just as I am, I’d do a lot more around the house with her. We’re a traditional family; she likes to have the dinner cooking as I walk in from work – this was her choice. Yet, I do try and do as is asked of me around the house – I definitely know maintaining it isn’t easy.

      She had a hysterectomy last year and I had to work, keep a house, and take care of our son. This is why I really admire single mothers. Something my Mum was.

  11. Hmm men are selfish that is why I found myself searching the net to find out may be is peculiar or general.thanks for ur writeup it helps

  12. Good article Raymond, some interesting points raised. You seem to have a lot of tolerance for all the strange comments too.

  13. I’ve only just fully realized this myself at 53. I had my kids late, between 34 and 39. It is child rearing with my husband that made me fully see the selfishness of men. My husband will butt in when I’m talking with my kids about how good they were in the play they were just in to talk about how good he was in the play. He’s obviously not putting their nurturing above his own. He actually also still complains about how his parents would try to put the spotlight on themselves rather than nurturing him, but still mindlessly does it to his own kids. Once I had kids, I thought it’s their turn. It’s time for me to nurture them instead of putting myself first. When I think of the other men I know and my husband, they don’t seem to do this. It is making me think that the world would really be better off if women were in charge. In general, we women think of the group, not just ourselves.

    • I think personally, men and women are wired differently. And rather than try and get each other to the same level, we should work together as a team. Like the well known bit in Jerry Maguire when he tells his Mrs that she completes him. This is what it should be with men and women. I’m selfish – so my wife acts as my support. She worries a lot. Like A LOT, and I act as her support. We should compliment each others differences. Just my opinion, anyway.

      Thanks for the comment – and sorry to hear that your husband hasn’t broken the parent-child cycle yet. It’s a tough one to crack!

  14. Men are selfish- It’s in their nature. They want everything that happens in the family to be revolved around them. As soon as you marry them, you no longer have a social life. A man can stop an educated woman from going out there to get a job. I ask that, why on earth will a man prevent his wife from getting a job which can empower her and the family financially? What other reason, would make a man want to have sex with her wife ONLY when she is sleeping from a hard days work? What else would make a father indifferent about putting efforts in the needs of his children? For me, its better to know this nature of men and learn to live with it.

    • I think that depends on the man really. I’ve never stopped my wife going out and having fun with her friends whilst I stay back with our Son. Also, she’s quite free to be the main breadwinner – I’ll gladly be house-husband if she ever wanted to. I could even catch up with anything I was doing during the day and at night. I’m sort of lucky with Alex because I’m a work at home Dad. I take him to school, pick him up — he even comes to me for hugs when he’s hurt himself.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.