There’s a strict trio of morals that I like to run my life by. And it’s something that I’ve only adopted recently, like in the past five years. But since I applied them to my life, wow. I have become happier, more motivated and I’m currently living the life that I want to. It’s something that has slowly grown on me because self-healing and growth takes quite a bit of time. It’s not something you wake up to the very next day and say, yay! I’m a happy person now.
Honesty, Safety and Trust.
Basically it’s like creating a safe zone around yourself. People will start to view you as a safe person to talk to. You will start seeing yourself as a safe person to be around; that’s quite important, because loving yourself is the first step to bettering life. If you don’t love yourself, how will anyone else be able to? Right? I know, it really sounds strange because honesty, safety and trust are an intimate partnership thing, not available to the outside world.
Well I’m here to blow that notion out of the window.
I treat everyone with honesty, safety and trust. And because of that it feels safe to be around me, and other people, or so I think, anyway. People generally open up to me, sometimes they don’t know they are soing so. I’ve had people tell me, wow, I don’t usually tell people these sorts of things. And they do this because they feel safe. They feel safe in their mind that telling me such things won’t go anywhere else. It’s a natural habit I have, or flaw perhaps, that people generally open up to me. I’m naturally curious too.
Lead by example as they say.
Be the change in the world that you want to see.
If I wanted to be treated with respect I wouldn’t sit there and get angry about people not treating me with respect. I would start outwardly giving respect when none is shown to me, in time, that way of life becomes a natural standard, and those that have none for you, regardless, slip away, and those that have lots, bond even deeper.
I know, you’re wondering right now why and how it changed my world? Sounds quite counter-productive when the world is a mess right now. Well, I’ll break it down into the three core elements, because it’s too difficult for me to explain otherwise.
Honesty scares the life out of some people. Scares the bejesus out of them. Narcissists run for the hills and other toxic people fade away into the background, disappearing without a word. The core part of honesty is being honest with yourself. You can’t be honest with other people if you aren’t honest with your own self. Perhaps you keep telling yourself that the man you’re with will change, but deep down you know that he hasn’t made any effort thus far. Or that you have a chance with that special lady but all she does is keep dating other guys when you’re right there, in front of her. Ready and waiting. You know she knows.
The mind is a strange thing. It doesn’t like emotional pain. It will do anything, everything, to keep you distracted from the truth that is sitting right there in front of you. Ever had a feeling that your partner is cheating on you but mind keeps talking you out of it? There we are.
“I not like pain, Sir. Here, have something shiny instead”
Being honest with myself was literally a mindblowing experience. When I faced up to the things that were holding me back, the lies I was telling myself to live an oblivious comfortable life, then I had been freed from the shackles of self-doubt. I had literally ripped those bastards off with vengeance. There was no self-doubt anymore, because I was fully aware of my flaws, and had accepted them for what they were.
Everyone is flawed, by the way. The trick is to accept that you are too. No amount of trying to achieve perfection will change that.
I like safety. I generally like to feel comfortable wherever I am at any point of the day. There are sometimes I don’t feel safe but that’s more than likely because I’m taking some sort of risk, like physically talking in front of a large crowd of people. I hate that, but sometimes I just have to do it to get my work out there. As long as it’s controlled risk then that’s fine.
I’ve stopped judging myself now. Because I’ve learned to be honest with myself and accept that I’m flawed. I rarely judge myself harshly anymore. I was that kind of person beforehand that would set impossible targets for myself and then persecute the hell out of myself when I failed. It was a horrible, vicious cycle. I’d judge, I’d scathe, I’d be angry. This actually had me judging others quite harshly. But I realise that those that judge the most are those that are in the worst turmoil deep down.
I feel safe around myself because I don’t judge anymore. I accept that some decisions I’ve made in the past and still make now haven’t been the best, and I look at a positive way of overcoming the situation so it doesn’t happen again. And because I feel safe with myself others do too. I rarely judge others, because I don’t judge myself. Understanding is the key.
Trust is a big one. If people don’t trust you, you may as well be on planet Mars and you’ll have an easier life. Trust walks hand in hand with honesty. If you’re honest with yourself and others then it’s easier to trust you. Break any of the first two and this goes out with it. Trust is one of the highest levels of awesomeness another human can give you. It’s like reaching level 99 on Final Fantasy (gaming joke!)
The biggest turnaround for me was learning to trust myself. If I can’t trust myself then how will I ever be able to trust anyone else? I mean I’ll be with me for the rest of my life whether I like it or not. I’m going to need to trust me with my life. Trusting myself came from an angle of making decisions and owning up to them, trusting that I would be fine with the consequences. Again, the brain likes to show you something shiny when it comes to owning up to bad consequences, but as soon as you conquer that hurdle your deepest fantasies are your oyster.
I trust pretty much everyone that I meet, because I’m on a deep level of trust with myself, it’s only when they break that trust that they fall from grace. Innocent until proven guilty in my mind.
Can you imagine that? Trust, honesty and safety? With everyone? The world is your oyster. Take it on and let it be yours. I’m no pinnacle of society, or better at living than anyone else, only that it is a good, deep grounding for any person to see the world.
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Some of my other friends take on safe spaces.
Shawna Ainslie – Heavy Lifting: Accountability, ego and a safe team environment
Thomas Ives – How bringing others in improves healing and progress
Drew Sheldon – What is a safe space?
Charlotte Farhan – The importance of safe spaces and how to understand them better
Stacia Fleegal – What an online safe space is and isn’t
Rachel. A. Hanson – Harmony
Charli Mills – Safe Space for Our Voices