Why do people cheat?

Considering even seemingly happy people cheat, and that cheating is something that affects well over hundreds of couples, it makes asking the question “Why do people cheat?” worthwhile. Strangely enough I’ve met two types of cheaters in this world, mostly because of the way that I was brought up and the social influences of being around my Dad quite a bit when I was older. I can’t honestly say I’ve met a third type, but you know, I’m totally up for suggestions, you can tell me in the comments section, I’d love to hear from you.

Let’s talk about the worst type of cheater first. These ones aren’t worth saving and when you realise that you’re in such a relationship I’d definitely advise seeking a quick exit plan because it’s only going to increase in ugliness.

The serial cheater

I’ve spent most of my life around these types of people and they are probably the worst type of people to get into any sort of relationship with, even friendship, they will suck the soul right out of you, and through the nose if they can. Starting a relationship with these types will be nothing like you’ve ever experienced before. It’ll be a wild ride of awesomeness filled with passionate emotion and lots of fluttery belly type feelings. You’ll think you’ve landed the one, the one that you want to spend a long time together, if you haven’t started planning your Marriage already. If you had your senses you’d be able to step back a bit and analyse the relationship for what it is, for what it’s becoming, but the secret formula of the serial cheater is to get you so wrapped up at the start you’ll think all of your dreams have come true and forget about any practicality. Maybe they’re amazing in bed, or lavish you in awesome gifts, or spontaneous and super fun, or all three. But you’ll never see it coming.

And then boom, they’ll draw everything from under your feet. What was once a richly enjoyable and fun to be in experience has become a place where you have to step on eggshells constantly, praying, trying to get that awesomeness back to where it was. But now, unknown to you, they have you in their trap, their keep net, their safe box. So now they can do what they like with you, to you, around you, whilst you more and more blame yourself for what is transpiring to be. You’ll start to pick up on inconsistencies in what they tell you throughout your relationship with them, and when you challenge them about it the room will get heated, you’ll be able to cut the atmosphere with a knife, and they’ll go for your jugular. Eventually, by some time you’ll have decided that the best option is to just not question them. Even all their friends know they are out having sex with other people.

But god forbid that you even DARE to look at another potential mate, keep your eyes down at all times or there will be trouble.

It’s a bit of a mixed up agenda this one. On one hand they have this superiority complex, where I assume they see themselves as the best people in the world, that they are superior to you in every way, and deserve more than anyone else. That includes multiple partners whilst in a relationship with you. But then for you to attempt to do anything behind their back is the ultimate betrayal. You shouldn’t be doing these things, you are their “underlings”, “subservients” those types of people don’t disobey their supreme commander and overlord. And it sends them into a fury like no other. It’s losing control.

Stay far, far away from these people. A great way to knock these people for six is always be open, trustworthy and truthful. They can’t handle real people - these types run a mile from anyone that enjoys being in the presence of themselves. Try and get them to show a bit of their real self, don’t let them change the subject onto you, shift it back onto them. Try to get some depth from them. After a few days of doing that they’ll run for the hills, or they’ll expose their true colours. Either way it’s a sure fire way to get them to fuck.

Don’t try and amend this one. Run for the hills. The amending is for themselves to do.

Did that sound like you? Try my thoughtful healing post for abusers that seek to change!

And now

The Abandoned Cheater

This is probably the category that most people that have had extramarital affairs / affairs fit in. I can’t say I’ve ever been inclined to cheat on a partner. I’d sooner leave the relationship than go and see someone behind my partners back. But that’s me, my Mum was used and abused and I always have her little voice in the back of my head saying,

“Don’t cheat Son, cheaters are the worst”

This is your regular person that doesn’t communicate. Communication in relationships is so important. If I wasn’t aware of how my wife was feeling constantly how would I be able to change my behaviour so that it better works for her? I know, I can imagine you laughing in disbelief right now, but it’s true. Some people just never truly open up inside and pretend that whatever relationship they are in is going fine. And when their needs aren’t being met eyes start to look elsewhere.

What do I mean needs aren’t being met? Well, typically someone that “knows themself” could actively identify what they “need” in a relationship and whether a potential suitor could provide that. It could be as simple as showing appreciation, to all out swathes of love, attention and affection. Generally most people aren’t aware of what they want or need and jump hopelessly into relationships two feet first, and it’s a sort of guessing game whether either partner will pick up on the other. If my wife was feeling neglected, she’d tell me so as soon as the first feelings started. It’s hard for me to hear but then I’d know I need to make some sort of adjustment in my behaviour, right? And vice versa.

And this is where it all breaks down. One partner is blissfully unawares that the other is feeling neglected / abandoned / unhappy / [insert negative emotion here] and thinks their relationship is running along smoothly and perfectly whilst the other side is out playing hide the sausage with other people. It could be anything, it could start anywhere. A relationship is about satisfying another persons needs, period. And if you aren’t doing that, then I can guarantee you they are getting it elsewhere.

But it all starts with hardcore communication. Sometimes allowing your partner to tell you why they’re desperately unhappy could be your saving grace. It could be ear-bendingly hard to hear them talk about you as if you are a piece of shit, but ignoring the problem won’t make it go away. Neither will splitting up. You’ll always BE that person and you’ll always DO the same things. And it’s always about creating a zone where your partner can open up to you like such. I allow my wife to do so. She can openly vent her frustration at me anytime. I hate it most of the time but I know I need to listen to it. Getting angry at her will solve nothing.

Encourage your partner to share their feelings if you feel that something is up, don’t ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist. Listen to them and adjust your behaviour accordingly. Don’t just ‘be good’ for a few days and go back to your old habbits, and for god sake share your feelings too. Don’t bottle them up, be open. They won’t know unless you tell them.

Post written, in part for the #BloggersclubUK