He stopped texting me after we slept together. This rhetorical question crops up in my feed time and time again and it breaks my heart to read it. I know, I was once one of those young men full of hormones and dumb enough to let a few good women slide through my fingers in the past. I’m not saying I’ve slept with women and ditched them right afterwards under false pretenses but I’ve known it to happen with my friends. I once shared a house with a guy who’s favourite past time was picking up women, wooing them, having sex with them and then giving the whole, “it’s not you, it’s me” speech if they were brave enough to call him out on his bullshit afterwards. Of course he stopped texting me after we slept together.

First thing you have to realise is that it really isn’t you. Of course it’s not. You can’t have one sexual encounter with a man and then have him decide that it’s not worth it afterwards. That’s just not the way real relationships work. So when he is telling you it’s him, it really IS him. He’s basically used deceptive tactics to whittle down your defenses so that he can add another notch to his bedpost in his life long sexual conquest. If it makes you feel any better, then men like this will either die alone, or they generally spend their life never experiencing fulfillment — that’s not the type of person you want to be in a relationship with, right? In a way you’re sort of lucky that he stopped contacting me after we slept together.

He stopped texting me after we slept together? Men are focused.

Men don’t generally beat around the bush when they are interested in something more. I’m not saying he’ll text you straight away but if he plans to see more of you then after seeing him that night you’ll definitely hear from him more on the same day. I’ve found men, or at least the men that I socialise with to be focused and seek out what they want. So if he wants you then when he’s free he’ll definitely be in contact — and no person is held up busy for a whole day. If he stopped texting me after we slept together, then after a day of no contact you should just forget it.

Let’s unpack the myth about sex not being that great. Sometimes sex isn’t that great. I’ve been with several partners in my time and sex to me was a means to an end, it was the icing on the cake of the relationship. It was what made the relationship that so much more intense, and loving. Even if the sex isn’t that great, which I can assure you I’m no grand wizard in new sexual encounters, but in my experience you or your partner can be trained to please the other through time and exploration.

What do I mean by trained? Well, you can tell him what turns you on and what doesn’t — sometimes this take a long time to master. First times are usually (in my experience) more about exploring rather than mind blowing sex. So get the whole, “he doesn’t like me because I was crap in bed,” idea out of your mind. He stopped texting me after we slept together, not because you were rubbish in bed, but because he lacks any sort of commitment and values sexual conquest over relationships.

We never know how to make our partners pass out with vein crushing, earth shattering sex on the first try — or at least that hasn’t been the case for me, or the other people I’ve talked to about it.

He was interested until you slept with him, right? And then what? Poof. Gone without so much as a thank you for last night, never to be seen, nor heard from again. No matter what you tell me, no amount of trying to convince me that you weren’t good enough in the moment for him will have me agreeing that this is a cause for him to run away. Of course unless you asked to do something weird like take a big dump on his chest or something of that nature — then I may understand why he ran, but if it wasn’t exceptional circumstances and you were both just exploring, then I’m afraid you didn’t do anything wrong. Of course he stopped texting me after we slept together. He is a coward.

Let me tell you about these men

I’ve known a few of these men in the past and have a good idea of how their wiring ticks. Think of yourself as having a lucky escape. Think of it as a quick get out before life turns nasty. These types of men aren’t the most committed to relationships. If they lie to get you in bed they will almost certainly lie about many other things. Do you want someone you can’t trust to walk down to the shops without jumping in bed with the nearest bit of skirt he walks past? Or do you want a man that you can trust to be out all day on his own and only have you in mind? I know which I would choose were it the opposite. In a way you were lucky he stopped texting me after we slept together.

Men that lie to get you in bed have typically low self esteem because they don’t believe they can do it with their own personality. Men with low self esteem aren’t worth it I’m afraid because you’re going to get yourself in a whole lot of trouble there.

But let’s not detract from the fact that there are a whole lot of other good guys out there. I say there’s a 90/10 rule. 90% of guys want to go out there and be good and do good, and 10% are up to mischief. Unfortunately for you it’s typically only the guys that are up to mischief that you keep coming across. Want to know why? Because that 10% (with a few exceptions) have game. They’ve tried and tested approaching women for many years, honed their skills and got themselves really good at it. The other 90%? Well, because of the bad 10 percent, us 90 percenters spend our lives trying to prove that we’re not like those men. You’ll find us hanging back trying to think of the right time to approach you without coming across as a massive knobhead — and those situations are rare. I’m not saying we don’t approach women, but we’re generally nervous and uncomfortable, unlike the suave, smooth talking 10 percenters.

How can you meet 90 percenters? (Good men)

They are everywhere. I used to always say switch up the circles that you move in, but what I’ve grown to realise is that’s really bad advice. What I’ve grown to know to be true is to be more approachable and forgiving. Yes, sometimes we’re nervy and don’t know the right things to say, but before you laugh inwardly and brush us off, perhaps hear us out? It’s a known fact that likable women generally meet likable men. Now don’t get me wrong, there will always be rubbish circling but as you get older and more experienced you’ll learn to beat that back with a stick. Why do you think perpetual one night standers only go for young women and women looking for something quick and non committal? Because older women looking for a relationship know how to spot one of those guys a mile off. Forever shaggers have a shelf life, and it doesn’t include going past young girls.

Good guys don’t have you thinking he stopped texting me after we slept together.

So if you can take anything away from this then take away the fact that you’ve just dodged a bullet flying at breakneck speed for the middle of your forehead. Sure, it doesn’t make you feel good that you’ve given away an intimate part of yourself to a man that doesn’t really care, but at least you’ll have learned a few hard and valuable lessons here. You now have more experience with fly by night men, and can dodge them more easily, and also you now know that you’re not shacked up with someone that has the maturity similarity of a baby

And lastly, please own your decision to sleep with him

I have talked to many women that have lacked agency in their decision making process over my life. Now I’m not complaining about it because growing up I also had the same decision making dilemmas. Everything was the other person’s fault and I never ever wanted to take any ownership over my part in any situation. It wasn’t a very healthy mentality to have and it wasn’t conducive to learning from my mistakes. Once I adopted responsibility and accountability for my decision making in life and relationships, then it was easier to sidestep my previous mistakes. Since I was able to, “own” that I went wrong in certain situations — even when I was in situations that were incredibly abusive, I was able to sift through the behaviours that led me into the abuse cycle that I almost always found myself in and set up barriers to letting it happen again. Ownership of actions is key, and the foresight and resistance to not letting it happen again.

All in all, be safe lovelies 🙂